Resolutions

In the spirit of New Year's resolutions, here is a great article by Michelle Singletary, one of my favorite financial columnists for The Washington Post, about getting your finances together in the new year.

If your finances are already in perfect order--or if the mere thought of taking stock of your money in the wake of the holiday spending spree gives you heart palpitations--maybe this article, recommended by my trippy new age friend at work, is more up your alley: (copied from this "alternative solutions" newsletter)

Forget New Year’s Resolutions: You Need a Vision and a Recipe for Success
By Norma Reid

The concept of “New Year’s Resolutions” seems like a tired cliché…and it is when you think of the millions of people who make resolutions for the new year and then forget about them weeks or even days later. What you really need is a vision that allows you to grow into the person you want to be and an action plan to make it happen.

By following the common sense strategy outlined below, you will be empowered to achieve your goals, realize your dreams, and celebrate your successes.

1. Choose a theme for the year, such as this is the year of courage, or follow through, or love, and set your intentions and decisions for the new year based on your theme. For example, if you decided this is the year of courage, you would ask yourself, “What would a courageous person do” before making a decision. One of your intentions might be to take a step of courage each day.

2. Get clear on what you want. How will achieving this goal or realizing this dream improve your life? Why do you want to make this change? Write the reasons down, so if you begin to falter you can read and remember. How committed are you to achieving it? If the commitment level is low, you may want to choose something different.

3. Once you decide on your goal, close your eyes and imagine it is a year from now. You have accomplished what you set out to do. How do you feel? How has your life changed? How and where are you celebrating? Now write down your vision of experiencing success. Make it something like, “It is December 31, 2008 and I am so happy and grateful that I decided to make this year the year of courage. I accomplished all I set out for myself. I made those phone calls that enhanced my business, I joined that dance class and loved it, I made some great new friends, I grew in so many ways … It has been an incredible year.”

3. Set up a system to keep your vision uppermost in your mind. One effective system is creating a success journal. Write your vision at the front. Too often people don’t achieve their goals because they forget about them! Use your success journal as a daily reminder.

4. Next, look at the barriers that could get in your way and set up strategies to overcome them. Remember your self-talk -- identify what you tell yourself that could sabotage your success and create replacement thoughts instead. Determine the types of support that will empower you along the way -- a buddy, book, course, coach, or something else. Now put them in place.

5. Create an action plan to achieve your resolutions. Take what you want to accomplish in the year and break it down into 3-month plans. From that create monthly, weekly and daily plans.

6. Each morning grab your success journal, read your vision statement with feeling and write down what step(s) you will take that day. Then each evening write down all the steps you took. Besides being a great reminder and motivator of what you are doing and why, it’s also a way to celebrate your daily accomplishments.

7. If you get off track for a while, don’t beat yourself up, simply course correct and continue.

The reasons we have goals and dreams are to grow as people and enjoy the journey to a more fulfilling life… the life of our dreams.

Whatever your resolutions may be, I hope everyone has a happy, healthy and prosperous 2008.

I forgot to add that we really wished that Cassie and her family could have been here for Christmas; hopefully next year.

Geez it's been a long time since I've written in here--especially if you count the fact that my last few posts weren't anything I actually wrote. I think the creative spirit has left me for the winter--I keep drawing a total blank whenever I think about writing something.

Did I mention I hate winter? I must have thin blood or something because I can't STAND being cold and am cold all the time in the winter. Forget going outside basically ever, which I'm sure doesn't do anything for the flat feeling that starts in about October and lasts pretty much until daylight savings time is over (or does it start in the Spring?)

Total sidebar--I don't understand why it is grammatically correct to end a sentence with the punctuation inside a parenthesis. It just seems wrong to me.

Anyway, I hate winter and pretty much also hate Christmas. Granted, the actual DAY of Christmas was fun--we had two extra kids this year, Patrick's neice and nephew (or, as the niece lamented to Mimi at Hebrew school "You're so lucky to have Patrick as a step-dad--he used to be my uncle"); apparently she thinks that because he's no longer married to her blood aunt he's not her uncle anymore, which couldn't be further from the truth. (and, illustrating my point about the parenthesis, was that semi-colon supposed to be inside the parenthesis or not?)

(I do understand, however, that when a whole sentence is inside parenthesis it makes sense to also have the end punctuation inside.)

Sorry...so anyway, we had the four kids and Patrick's "ex" brother- and sister-in-law, who, again, are still as close to him as ever despite his divorce. It was an interesting dynamic because both my kids and the niece and nephew are Jewish; the niece and nephew have traditionally stayed at Patrick's house on Christmas Eve so Santa can consider them temporary Christians worthy of receiving gifts. They totally believe in Santa so I had to put the fear of god into my jaded kids not to spoil it for them by letting on that Santa is not, in fact, real. The kids spent the evening of the 24th glued to the computer monitoring the "Santa tracker" to keep tabs on where he was in relation to our house.

Christmas morning was a jumble of a million presents--it took a full hour for us all to open the ridiculous number of gifts under the tree--and a fun breakfast with the sort of in-laws. Then they left and it was time for the grand finale gift for our kids. This concept was totally initiated by Patrick, as I am usually too pragmatic to give into the big ticket item as gift for children; left to my own devices I would never have gotten an iPod for a 12 year old. But Patrick wanted to get them something special so I relented and we got Mimi and iPod (is that how you spell it?) and Matthew a PSP. We did a treasure hunt (again, Patrick's idea but it was really fun) with clues first directing them to an iTunes gift card for Mimi and PSP games for Matthew, then instructing them to open the gifts and check under the Christmas tree for the actual gift that went with the card and the games.

They found the first gifts and had to report back to the living room to open them. Matthew opened his first and literally SCREAMED "I GOT A PSP!!!!" jumping up and down. Then Mimi opened her gift card, assuming it was from a store, and when she saw it was for iTunes, even unflappable she started hyperventilating. Then they went and got the "real" gifts and Matthew opened his first with another SCREAM, this time "HOLY CRAP!!!" (yes, bad mom points for me for not taking the thing away from him and punishing him for swearing; hey, he could have said "holy sh*t" and didn't.) Mimi opened hers and was, by Mimi standards (e.g. the excitability of Wednesday Adams), estatic.

In case my description didn't accurately convey Matthew's excitement, maybe this will:


I just realized your eyes are probably bleeding from reading this much; I'll leave you with a few pictures of my Christmas decor:

Augusten's assistant needs a favor

And I know you want to further the bond between me and Augusten by obliging Stewart (his assistant); see his email below:

hi everyone-
i know i sent you an email regarding my novel, and don't worry, you will not be getting bombarded forever...i just have a feeling, since you love augusten's work, that you may be willing to help out an underdog....i am a singer as well, and i have a chance to open for dave mathews band next year...
and i am trying to get everyone (and their mother) to vote for me...it's a long shot but a boy can dream--augusten sure did and look where he is now.
all you have to do is:

Click Here

and put stewart lewis as your first choice. it will take less than a minute of your time and could mean the world to little ole me. and if you REALLY want to help me, forward to your friends and ask them to vote too, and then i'll sign your butt, teach you to read, and clean your house.

if you are annoyed by this plea for help, i am SO sorry. i know you wrote an email to augusten and are not expected to help out his humble assistant. have a wonderful holiday.

So go vote for him and keep the karma flowing between me and Augusten...and also because Stewart's book was so hilarious (see #2).

If this kid were available for adoption I'd take him!!



Actually--Cassie, am I imagining it or does he kind of look like Nina in a way? I swear something about him reminds me of her.

This is classic! A 1st grade teacher (allegedly) had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

While reading this, keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds!

1. Don't change horses...until they stop running.
2. Strike while the...bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of...termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but...How?
6. Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.
7. No news is...impossible
8. A miss is as good as a...Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new...Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust...Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...pigs.
13. An idle mind is...the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...pollution.
15. Happy the bride who...gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...not much.
17. Two's company, three's...the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as...Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you...See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind...get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand...is going to poop on you.

And the best and last one!

26. Better late than...Pregnant

What does Motherwhatnow mean anyway?

You might have wondered what Motherwhatnow means and why is this the redux version.

(or maybe not; in that case, skip this post)

Here's a hint: google upsy downsy mother what now.

How's that for lazy? It was requiring too much effort and time to write about it.

And redux is because I used to be a blogger on a now-defunct site called Mom & Pop Blog and that blog was called motherwhatnow.

Ok, this is boring even me at this point so I know it's boring everyone else and swear this will be the last mention of this, but here is the response the OBGC Executive Director felt she needed to warn me about.

I am now officially sick of and done with the issue! And hoping my kids don't want to play soccer in the spring....

DAMN--I must have touched a nerve because this chick is PISSED at me! Obviously she is not aware of the never type and send an email when you're mad rule. This lady definitely doth protest too much. The huge red paragraphs below--they're her response to me and yes she did send the email exactly like this--e.g. RED AND ANGRY.

Maggie,
Thank you for responding to my e-mail. I wanted to comment on specific parts of your latest e-mail so you will hopefully have a better understanding of how this issue has impacted the organization.


Maggie: My apologies if it seemed like I was intentionally trying to avoid communicating directly with OBGC--that wasn't my point. I appreciate your apology to me, however, your actions from the beginning in not responding to our Chairman or myself over the past few weeks and you sending an unfair and inaccurate letter to the Gazette without trying to have an open dialogue has created a much different impression in our community of volunteers. Dan had no idea that you were sending a critical email to the Gazette, however, he extended an open hand to an upset parent within hours of receiving your e-mail. He took a lot of time out of his work schedule to get back to you right away, and does so anytime a parent has such important feedback or concerns. Soccer leaders were already responding to this issue before you raised it, as was Dan, and the safeguards we have in place were working. There was no need for a letter like yours to be sent to the Gazette, if your true intention was to help the club.

The "view of OBGC games" that the headline of the "open forum" referred to was mine. You witnessed bad behavior at one game and you use that as an example of a false epidemic in a great organization. Outbursts like what happened at your game rarely happen and OBGC does things every season to help prevent it. You inaccurately commented on the Code of Conduct and how we enforce it. You are not aware of the great lengths this organization, its volunteers and staff go through to provide a great physical and emotional environment for our children to play. Despite our greatest efforts there will be occasional problems, but as a percentage of how big this club is, its is a tiny fraction. Your public comments lead thousands of people who don't know OBGC to have a bad and unfair impression of it because of your sweeping generalizations. Now, you don't even file a complaint after all. It makes us wonder if your intent to help the children of our club was pure; we'd like to believe you would never intentionally publicly embarrass the volunteers of this club as you did by offering a blanket statement that was not accurate.

I would think that OBGC would welcome the opportunity to clarify the complaint process and explain why its emphasis seems to be more on protecting parents than it does on ensuring that violations are investigated. Speaking in these terms to us seems to typify your approach to this entire matter. "I think OBGC would welcome an opportunity" implies we aren't already one of the most open nonprofit organizations there is. We survey our parents each season and ask candid questions about every aspect of the Club. Parents have filed complaints and grievances for years and no one has ever had problems contacting us or has even sent an email needing additional clarification. Maryland Nonprofit's Standards for Excellence thoroughly reviewed all our policies, including our survey methods and grievance procedure, and awarded OBGC the Seal of Excellence.

It seems as though you are now attempting to backtrack by taking an unfair and inaccurate public comment you made and are trying to change it into something different. It appears you want to change your position from being someone that sent public criticism of OBGC and its parents to the Gazette that wasn't based on fact, and shift the focus to your new argument that this is an issue of us having an unclear grievance process. Your tone and tactics in the last letter are not friendly and do not go unnoticed by many. You imply that OBGC has not been open or doesn't have a clear enough process so you were forced into sending a letter to the Gazette vs. to communicating directly with us. It appears you were trying to justify your actions with the first letter by making it into a new issue. The only thing that will solve this issue for OBGC and our volunteers is not that you provide a private apology, but rather a complete public apology and clarification of our actions, facts and process that followed.

I am honestly not trying to start a fight or anything or be confrontational, but to me, a reality of being a public organization is being subject to public comment. I appreciate that you do not wish to appear confrontational and this is in no way a fight for OBGC. No matter what a parent's true intent is or how they decide to approach life, we are open to them unless it becomes destructive. The experience on this board goes back as far as 18 years and has dealt with all types of parents and have learned that actions and intent are the true marks of what a person is trying to accomplish. We are well aware of the public nature of our organization and have not been afraid of public comment since our founding in 1969. As a citizen that has exposed that yourself to public comment and response because of the actions you took in sending the letter, you hopefully understand that we cannot control how others may respond to you. You sending letters to the Gazette, while avoiding direct communication with us, has lead many to believe differently from what you explain above.

I am the first to admit that the issue is a sticky one for many reasons and don't claim to have the answers at all; I'm sure that there is no easy or perfect answer. I don't believe you are aware of what goes into trying to solve an issue as you explain. Your public comments were not balanced and never referenced you thinking there might not be a perfect answer. Again, your public comments and actions simplify complicated issues involving kids and they unfairly damage the reputation of OBGC.

Again, I apologize if my public comments have upset you and the other officials at OBGC--it was not my intent. I know that many parents have strong feelings on the matter--both agreeing with me and disagreeing with me-- and I think a public dialog is not necessarily a bad thing, if for no other reason than to make parents more aware of their behavior at games. True, parents need to be aware of their behavior, but inaccurate and unfair public comments and generalizations do not help any organization make progress; they actually stop progress and damage our ability to do more for children. If you want to apologize, please do it publicly.

We are happy to have finally established a direct line of communication with you, however, as was mentioned last week, we were forced to publicly respond to your most recent letter. We hope going forward that we can continue this personal dialogue to clarify any questions you may.(sic)

Um, why am I supposed to apologize for how me expressing an opinion has impacted the organization? Do I care?

I know my mom is reading this and just cringing and waiting to lecture me on not stirring up trouble. lol

You know I couldn't just leave the issue alone, so I responded to the comments in the "open forum" for people talking about my "view" of OBGC games. They ran it in last week's Gazette.

This time I received an email from the executive director of OBGC in response. Tell me if this letter reads like somewhat of a threat or am I just paranoid?

Hello Maggie,

It was nice meeting you at Sonya's Silpada Party last night. She is a good friend and from what I understood, you are a new member of the neighborhood - congratulations. I believe we may have also met at Beth Sterling's Triathlon party several months ago.

We have been concerned about not hearing back from you after our Chairman attempted to communicate with you directly regarding issues you raised in an email sent to the club, while at the same time it was being sent to the Gazette. It would be helpful to better understand your intent of not responding to us directly and only communicating in a public forum. I wanted to be fair and let you know that given the new public letter you sent to the Gazette, we will need to respond. As many members have commented, it is again unfortunate that an organization that takes great pride in its children's programs and activities, is subject to public comment without being able to open a simple line of communication with the complainant.

In addition to the "Contact Us" information listed on our web site, I wanted to again send you my direct e-mail address and phone number, so you can formally share your concerns. Please do not hesitate to continue to share you thoughts and concerns and we are happy to speak with you directly so I can help clarify any misunderstandings in the future.

Thanks,

Elisabeth Deal
Executive Director

Which part of this doesn't she understand that this isn't about me making a complaint to OBGC; it's making a point about their code of conduct? Isn't it a given that if you're a big organization you will be subject to public comment?

It's not that I even care about the issue that much; I just couldn't help pointing out how their policy doesn't exactly encourage people to file complaints.

And--yikes--how do you like the "just wanted to let you know we will need to respond" part--is it just me or does that smack of a scenario where I pick up the phone and someone, in a garbled voice, says "I'm warning you--you better just leave it alone and stop the public comments or else."?

Hey, it's a free country. And now that the woman at my kids' school who embezzled $30,000 is in jail and the big neighborhood adultery scandal that dominated the gossip mill all summer has gotten old, people need something else to gossip about.

Yesterday we saw This Christmas and it was as awesome the previews had promised. For whatever reason I am obsessed with movies about black families. I think it started with Soul Food. Something about the combination of the kitchen scenes, the emotional family dynamics, the gorgeous actresses and actors and the music just makes movies about white families seems so...well, white.

These are some of the common elements that make movies about black families so awesome:

1) The house: the setting for a lot of these movies is often a beautiful, comfortable house. More often than not, it's "mama's house." Most of the social activity in the houses usually takes place in the kitchen. Some of the kitchens are totally deluxe--for instance, the one in This Christmas--while others are dated or sort of austere, yet the ambience is always the same--warm and comforting and fun.

2) The actors and actresses: on one hand, it seems a little....something?....that most movies about black families seem to feature the same extremely attractive actors and actresses (I guess the term "actresses" is now defunct but I'm using it anyway). The characters are usually extremely successful--business men or women, lawyers, doctors etc--which seemed a little stereotypical to me (e.g. only focusing on that one subset of the population) until I realized that white movies pretty much feature the same handful of attractive actors and actresses, but the white versions.

Actually, I can't really make this generalization; for every five or so buppie characters there are usually at least one or two who are troubled in some way--police issues, drugs, etc. But that's another good theme in these movies--almost always the character faces those challenges and betters him or herself.

3) The strong female characters: Female black characters are almost always portrayed in a really strong, positive way, which I love. Whether it's Stella getting her groove back, or a woman who starts as a nobody making it big on her own terms or an abused or cheated-on woman getting even with the man--the women in most movies featuring predominantly black characters are almost always awesome.

There is also a recurring theme of a heavy woman accepting herself and being considered beautiful regardless of her size; show me one movie where a white woman is celebrated for her larger size. Everyone makes a huge deal if a white actress gains 20 pounds for a role--how brave of her!--but of course after the film wraps she's back to being anorexic in no time and all the magazines make a huge deal about what an accomplishment it was to lose all that weight. Where is the white version of Phat Girls? Shallow Hal? Bridget Jones? Please. You know white guys leave that movie cringing at the thought of accepting a fatty, whereas you leave a black movie where the actress is accepted regardless of her weight and it actually rings true and is inspiring.

4) Humor: I'm sorry but black movies are just funny--most of the characters have a ton of personality and are hilarious. Not surprising given that many of them are comedians as well as actors.

5) Music: No white movie has music as good as the music in black movies. Period. Drumline comes to mind off the top of my head--tell me that movie isn't incredible. This Christmas, for another example--you can't not cry when he's singing to his mom in church. Or at least I can't.

6) Dancing: No explanation necessary. Go see Stomp the Yard if you don't know what I'm talking about. The only kinds of white movies that come close are the ones about ballet dancers, and even those aren't THAT impressive given that no matter how much the actors practice their moves, none of them are actually professional dancers. Go see This Christmas for a perfect example of what I'm talking about--how many white families just break it down right in the living room? And if they did, a) how drunk would they have to be and b) how much would they suck?

Go rent Meet the Parents, for example, or Wedding Crashers or some other movie where a white family sits down to a meal together. Then rent Soul Food and go see This Christmas and you'll know what I'm talking about. Which table/house/after dinner party would you rather be at?

Not to be a downer, but I will be doing this Sunday night in memory of my friend's daugher Hannah who was killed five years ago at Christmastime. I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child and I will be lighting my candle not only in memory of Hannah but in thanks for my own healthy kids.

Worldwide Candlelighting Service, 7 pm your local time.

Just a few quick things:

1) I was floored yesterday when I went to do my Christmas shopping online--everything was sold out! WTF? Here I am thinking that I don't have to set foot into an actual store and can get everything on my list online, only to find out that as of December 2 every single thing I was looking for was sold out. And not just on Target, but also Kohls, JC Penny, and I forget what else. I was looking for a pair of flannel pajamas for an 11 year-old, for chrissake! Not even a week ago I had the light blue with clouds flannel pajamas from Target in my shopping cart, but as of yesterday they were not available. Nor were the other gifts I was looking for. So we went to Walmart yesterday and I bought almost every single gift there. I HIGHLY recommend Walmart!!! They have awesome, cheap gift baskets that look like they cost WAY more, really cute kids' clothes for cheap, good stocking stuff, toys, etc, etc.

2) I forgot to ever say that I read Augusten Burroughs's assistant, Stewart Lewis's, book Rockstarlet. I definitely recommend it--and not just because he's Augusten's assistant. The only bad thing about it was that it was so good that it reminded me about the fun gay friends that don't exist in Olney, MD. Hey, a gay couple moved in on Wisteria Lane so maybe soon one will move to my neighborhood.

3) I haven't read this book yet but it was recommended by one of my favorite financial columnists in The Washington Post,Michelle Singletary.

4) I defy you to find a better Engrish sign than this.

Wow--long time no post here. Every time I have something worthy of saying I never get a chance to post it then it's forgotten.

Remember my sport parents rant? I never really thought twice about it, other than to make a mental note to watch what I spout off about when I think I'm just posting a comment on a website. Last weekend some friends came over and the wife mentioned how my letter had caused quite a stir, prompting OBGC (the local sports club) to solicit feedback from other parents. I went to The Gazette website and did a search for "OBGC" and found the letter from the executive director of OBGC responding to "an email from Maggie McGary," as well as an "open forum" for parents to react to my view of OBGC games.

I swear--who knew when you speak up about something people get so fired up? Here I am, thinking I'm just typing away into cyberspace; meanwhile the parents in Olney are probably plotting ways to extricate me from the community. Hopefully my status as Mrs. Olney (ok, by association if not by actual skill--and yes you have to have mad skills to be crowned Mr. or Mrs. Olney) will protect me from the angry masses.

Naturally I had to respond; I'll be interested to see if they run it in this week's edition.

Anyway, that's about it as far as life in the big city goes these days.

JC Penny circa 1977

I will actually write something one of these days but this is so hilarious that it would trump anything I have to say.

This ran in The Montgomery County Gazette, a local newspaper, yesterday.

I submitted this to the Post but it never ran...may as well dust it off and use it here.

Babysitters. Nannies. Childcare providers. Or, if you’re lucky, grandma. Whatever term any of us chooses to use, one thing is certain: without them, the issue of work/family balance would be dead in the water. An understanding boss, the ability to telecommute, a flexible schedule—for most of us, no matter how ideal an arrangement we have, we are, at least to some degree, dependant on some form of childcare if we’re going to be able to be working parents. Even for those who don’t work outside the home, a reliable babysitter is worth his or her weight in gold.

This issue recently reared its head at girls’ night at a friend’s house. Even though it was Friday night and the sangria was flowing, somehow the conversation steered to babysitters. A woman I’d never met before mentioned, in passing, her babysitter, whose name I recognized. I said that I have a babysitter with the same name—let’s call her Mandy--and wondered if it was the same girl. Suddenly the light-hearted conversation screeched to a halt and she glared at me in sudden recognition and said, in so many words, “You’re the Maggie who stole my babysitter!”

Super long story short: this woman, who I’ll call woman #1, had started using Mandy when she was 14 and has been using her regularly for over 5 years. Woman #2, a friend of mine, had met Mandy when she picked up her son from woman #1’s house and asked Mandy whether she’d be willing to sit for her sometimes. They worked out a schedule and now Mandy was working for woman #1 and woman #2, as well as occasionally for woman #3, the hostess of this Friday night gathering. Last spring woman #2 recommended the girl to me and I, too, started using her sporadically.

At any rate, there was woman #1, suddenly lecturing me about how Mandy is a college student and is now so overworked because woman #2 “and others” are taking advantage of her, and also how now “her” sitter is never available because she’s spread so thin. She went on to say that when a family initially finds a babysitter who turns out to be reliable and good, that babysitter “belongs” to that family and other families are not allowed to “steal” him or her.

The whole thing half amused me and half disturbed me. I hadn’t realized there was apparently such a feeling of ownership when it came to babysitters. I couldn’t help but think “slavery”; in fact, I was curious about the parallel and Googled “stealing a slave from owner.”

In 1732, Virginia enacted a law stating that “wicked and evil-disposed persons…who steal any…slave …from the possession of the owner or overseer of such slave…shall suffer death without penalty of clergy.” Yikes. By 1732, the laws were a little more lax; a statute of Tennesee’s Laws on Slavery stipulated that any person found guilty [of] tempting an enslaved [person] to leave his owner's service… was to pay a fine of $62.50.” Ok, $62.50 or death—you choose; the fact is that those laws were applicable back when slavery was legal and accepted; these days it is neither.

Slave, babysitter—the fact that this woman kept referring to Mandy as “hers” made it clear that—at least in her case, but I suspect others feel the same--there is a sense of ownership when it comes to long-term, reliable caregivers. What do you think—is a childcare provider so necessary to the balance in your life that the idea of someone “stealing” him or her makes you indignant?

Soccer Rage

I just came from my daughter's soccer game--the championships. I sheepishly admit that soccer is generally her dad's territory; I take her to practices but usually skip the games. Yeah, bad mom--whatever. Going to this game made me remember why I never go.

So it's a beautiful, sunny fall day and the 6th grade girls are playing the last game of the season. Big soccer complex--the hub of the suburban community I live in--parents on the sidelines, girls presumably excited--as my friend Temperance would say, life in the big city. I guess this is the thing all the soccer parents live for, what makes the ridiculous amount of driving to endless activities and practices worth it.

I should have known it was a bad omen when, at the start of the game, my friend, the mom of one of Mimi's friends, sat down beside me and, when I turned to her and said "Hey--what's up," she stared intently at the field, skipped a beat, then said "Look, I'm not even going to make any bones about it--I'm not talking right now, I'm watching the game." Yikes.

The game started. I tried to be interested but frankly, watching soccer, to me, is like watching a movie with Japanese subtitles and trying to understand what's going on. I just don't get it. I suppose if my kids were more into it I would be too, but neither of them are into it in the slightest; their dad thinks it's a good idea for them to play a team sport so there they are, standing on the field, staring into space or, in Matthew's case at one game, doing handstands on the field throughout the whole thing. Each season I mean to put my foot down and say that we're not doing soccer because the kids don't even like it and it's a pain in the ass to get to all the practices and games, but I always end up relenting to keep the peace.

Anyway, fast forward--the game's going on and I'm still reeling from my friend's brush off and contemplating what it means about me as a mom that I couldn't care less about watching my kids' soccer games and I realize there's quite a stir going on around me. I could hear out of the corner of my ear the other parents shouting but had managed to tune it out, but as the game went on, I realized the shouts were not actually cheers but vein-popping screams.

"GODDAMNIT! STOP BEING STUPID AND PAY ATTENTION!!!!"

WTF? This from a dad a few seats away from me with a road-rage look on his face. He continued, veins bulging on his forehead, "TAYLOR, GET IN THERE!!!" "TAYLOR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LOOK ALIVE!" Then his sidekick, presumably the girl's mother, echoed everything he yelled in an equally agressive tone. (Somehow it was easier to understand from the dad--he looked like he was probably a football star back in his day; the mom looked and sounded like one of Marj Simpson's sisters and would have probably died of a coronary if she so much as ran down the field herself.)

I swear, if I had balls they would have crawled up into my abdominal cavity--that's how alarming these people's horrible, abusive "cheers" were. Meanwhile, the rest of the parents were all yelling at the ref because they thought all her calls were wrong; god forbid anyone actually be paying attention to the kids and the game. The coach even had to come over to address the parents, asking them to please go easy on the ref, she's just a kid, she's doing her best, etc.

In all my years as a parent (11 and a half) I have never seen any supposedly kid-centric activity turn into the agressive free-for-all that was this game. The whole thing had absolutely nothing to do with the kids or the sport--the actual game took a backseat to the parents' sideline antics. I felt horrified for poor Taylor--whose parents did eventually cheer for her when she kicked the ball into another girl's face: "YEAH--WAY TO GO TAYLOR--GET AGGRESSIVE!!!" and I felt sick that Mimi and the rest of the kids had to listen to the never-ending onslaught of parental yelling and screaming.

After the "GET AGGRESSIVE!!" comment I couldnt' take it anymore; I packed Matthew up and we left (daddy was still there). Maybe it makes me a terrible mom to walk out on my kid's game but I just couldn't help it; I couldn't take sitting two chairs down from these assholes screaming at their kid, or watching the other parents rip the 16 year old girl ref for every other call.

To me, this whole experience is evidence of what happens to parents when they become totally wrapped up in their kids' lives to the point that their kids are pratically their sole focus in life. Maybe that's a leap but honestly, how else do you explain the outright aggression these parents show? This was far from love of the game, standard issue competetiveness; this was just anger and hatred. These parents were not cheering their kids on--it seemed to me they had showed up primed to fight. How are they going to teach their kids sportsmanship when they are busy moving their chairs on the sidelines because they "can't take sitting next to the green team parents" and harassing the officials?

Interestingly, last night I took Matthew to his hockey game (check me out; two sports things in one weekend. Mother of the Year award here I come!) and there was a big sign on the wall outside the rink. I only noticed it when we were leaving and didn't stop to read the whole thing, but it said something about a zero-tolerance policy and that the game would be stopped if a parent was disruptive. That is exactly what they need to have for soccer. However, can you imagine being the one to have to tell bruiser dad that he and his kid were OUT of there? The guy would probably go postal on the kids and the parents at best, and at worst would probably take his rage out on the daughter.

Blogished

From today's Washingtonpost.com OnBalance blog....

Fashion Bullies?

Last week the Wall Street Journal ran this article about "fashion bullies" in middle and high schools who berate other kids for not wearing the "right" clothes. The saddest part of the article to me is not the bullying aspect but the mom featured in the article--the one who drags her sixth grader to Neiman Marcus to pick out couture clothes, which then don't pass muster with her peers because they're not the "right" designer clothes. Are you kidding me?

To me, far more alarming than the bullying is the idea that parents are actually willing to buy couture clothes for kids--which designers are "right" or "wrong" is irrelevant. It's bad enough when one of my kids comes home with a stain on their clothes from Target or the consignment store; I'd have to slit my wrists if the shirt or pair of pants had cost $150.

Meanwhile, every other day you read about the housing crisis and how droves of people are having to foreclose on their houses, or how the average American has something like $10,000 of credit card debt. Why are parents--at least some of whom fall into the group who are carrying $10,000 (and many times, well beyond that) willing to "shop their families broke"?

How about instead of (or at least in addition to) programs that teach girls to navigate peer pressure to dress a certain way or be a certain size, someone offer programs to teach girls about money and how trying to "keep up with the Joneses" can seriously ruin your life? Someone other than Suze Orman, that is, who schools could actually afford to hire as a speaker.

Just reading about this couple would be enough to scare me straight!