Turn That Monthly Frown Upside-down

There is a god: you can now turn your period blood into boobs.

I swear I am not making this up.

Saving the Environment by Working 10-Hour Days?

Whoops! If you were stumped by a total non-sequitur of a post earlier today, I had accidentally posted a long comment I made on an article in The Washington Post about the idea of a four 10-hour day work week. Guess I must have been using Blogger as a text editor instead of Word. Oh well--that's the beauty of having almost no readers--nobody catches mistakes like that.

Oh well, rather than have me summarize the entire article and then add my commentary you can just go read the article and see my comment (it's the last one at the top, Maggie7).

In short, no, having people work four 10-hour days--thereby ostensibly keeping them house-bound and not driving around killing the ozone layer one day a week--is not going to save the planet. Anyone knows that when you're home all day the first thing you do is drive to Target, then to the gym, then to Starbucks, then on several other errands at opposite ends of town.

Two of My Favorite Things, United

Continuing with your favorite theme of mine: "EVER"--current best book EVER: Stuff White People Like.

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this book but I just am--I think it's hilarious. Maybe it's because I have discovered, in the course of reading the book and taking the quiz at the end that I am not, in fact, really white. I don't even score high enough to be on the scale, which starts at 15%. And--if you can believe it, despite his lily-white skin, Patrick isn't any whiter than I am. In fact, I believe he scored even lower than I did.

At any rate, the book is hilarious for more reasons than I can list, and I highly recommend you buy it. You might wonder why buy a book of a blog that I can already read online...I thought the same thing until I bought it. First of all, it has stuff that's not on the blog and, second of all, it is somehow 20 times funnier when you're reading it off a physical page. Too bad for Amazon, because I was recently toying with the idea of buying a Kindle, thinking it would be better than dealing with paper books, but Stuff White People Like made me realize that actual books might be better than books on a screen.

And no, btw, I am in no way affiliated with Christian Lander--the author of the book--in case you're thinking my glowing reviews are in any way fueled by me standing to profit from sales of the book. I wish. I'm even too lazy to figure out how to do the affiliate link correctly so if you were to buy the book by clicking on the link in this blog I would have made a cent or two.

Anyway, you'll have to read the book yourself but I will reveal one helpful tip from it: If you see a person riding a bike to work--or doing anything else that is similarly eco-friendly--go up and say "Hey--thanks. Sincerely, The Earth."

That ranks right up there with "Ding-Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile!" in terms of funny. And that's saying a lot, since that is officially the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

And best of all? I discovered a common thread between Twitter and Stuff White People Like.

And you thought I wasn't intellectual.

The Freakiest Show EVER

Ok, I realize two "...EVER" posts in one week is a little much, but I'm sorry, this is just too good not to share and since I'm all by my lonesome this weekend, you, readers, are the only ones I have to share it with.

The show Intervention is always a crowd-pleaser; however the episode about Allison just takes the cake. I realize it's not so nice to make light of someone's addiction story, but I'm sorry, I defy you to watch this show--or even the trailer--and not wonder if it's actually a joke. Seriously, I will bet money that Saturday Night Live does a parody of this girl.

Apparently I'm not the only one who found the show hilarious/horrifying--if you go to YouTube and do a search for "Allison Intervention" you'll see that a slew of people had the same reaction I did. Do yourself a favor and watch the whole thing--then tell me it isn't the craziest thing you've ever seen. Girl could do a PSA for why huffing is a BAD idea.

Best 20-Something Career Advice Post EVER

Forget what I said about all Gen-Y posts about career advice being identical and useless—this one is like no other job advice blog post I’ve ever read before. Somehow this guy makes a case for the interrelationship between casual sex, video games and entrepreneurship. Here is my Cliff Notes version of his salient points:

• Fun: "My third year at UCLA was one big blur where I would wake up half naked every other night not knowing where I had left my jeans, shoes, or dick.”


• Productivity: "What does it mean to be truly productive with your life? Hanging out with friends and drinking alcohol all night is fun for the moment, but I always wake up in the morning vowing to never drink again. Same with video games. You spend all of your time leveling-up your character and getting new features, only to have your hard work made completely insignificant once the new version of the game comes out.”


• How do you want to live your life? "The best way to reach the point of self-actualization is to play your life as if it were an RPG (Role Playing Game)"




• Never stop learning: "In a video game, you gain experience by slaying monsters and completing quests. Therefore in real life, you gain experience by reading, keeping up with the news, and gaining internships and a high GPA."


• Expand your network: "In a video game, the more people you talk to, the higher the chance you have of someone telling you a hint to complete a mission, giving you an item, or providing you with secret information."


• Find the perfect relationship: "A meaningful and loving relationship will make you much happier than any one-night stand. As an entrepreneur with my personality type, it is much more productive to be in a serious relationship than to be single, and here’s why: If I was single, I would be out there chasing girls left and right. I would not be able to focus on my company because all I would be thinking about is who my next piece would be."

Judging by these rules I should be a millionaire by now. Did I miss a step? Maybe because I never lost awareness of where I left my jeans, shoes or dick in college I missed out on that valuable career step? Maybe my video game play--while compulsive enough to render my hand numb for 3 months--just wasn't sufficient to build the skills necessary to become a successful entrepreneur? Maybe I'm having too much sex now--albeit in my perfect relationship--and it's preventing me from "striving for more" in terms of my career.

But here I am, 40 and still with the word “assistant” in my title; meanwhile, there he is, a year out of college and a (self professed) entrepreneur and management consultant.

My question is, when he and other the Gen-Yers' career advice bloggers say that they’re entrepreneurs and consultants, do they mean they’re actually supporting themselves in those capacities? Or are they "consultants" and "entrepreneurs" in the sense that I am a "consultant"; e.g. yes, I can write—here’s my email address if you’re ever interested in hiring me for a project…and now it's back to my cubicle where I sit for 8 hours a day so I can pay the bills and support my kids.

In theory I could brand myself as a thought leader, writer, life coach, marriage counselor, or social media expert…as in, I COULD call myself these things and, while it wouldn’t actually be lying because I could theoretically serve in any of these capacities, the reality is that I don’t currently earn a dime doing any of those things.

But that's a whole other post on personal branding, a mainstay of Gen-Y blog content.

**P.S.** Sorry but I just went to his blog and checked out his response to one reader's question "How does a student become an entrepreneur?" Hey--does step 2 sound familiar? "Move back home to save on cash."

Gee, another Gen-Y blogger endorsing that mainstay of 20-something career advice: move back in with mom and dad!

Sorry but when I think of a guy who lives with mom and dad, the image that comes to mind isn't so much entrepreneur; it's more Will Ferrel's character in Wedding Crashers, Chazz Reinhold, screaming "MA! Meatloaf! Fuck!"

My Name on Rice



Mimi bought me this necklace at Kings Dominion last week. She knows, obviously, about my fixation on tiny things and had heard me tell the "Name on Rice" tale many times.

I forget when or where but once I saw a kiosk at a mall or an amusement park (Cassie, do you remember this?) called "Name On Rice." Not only is that the best name in the world for a kiosk, but how excellent and random a concept is painting something on a grain of rice then putting it in a tiny glass vial on a necklace? Don't even get me started on the collection of tiny things with stuff painted on them at Ripley's Believe it or Not museum in Williamsburg, VA. Suffice it to say that I now own a camera capable of taking super close up photos of tiny things and will be bringing it with me next time I visit that museum.

Anyway--I once had this "name on rice" necklace but it got lost, leaving me with nothing but the fond memory and the lingering obsession with it. So last week, Mimi--who usually doesn't so much as make me a card for my birthday--returned from a camp trip to Kings Dominion excitedly clutching an envelope.

"I got you a present," she said, trying to be nonchalant but obviously excited. And there it was, a new name on rice necklace! It even has a flower painted on the other side of the grain of rice. The kiosk was called "Your Name on Grain" this time--slightly less awesome than "Name on Rice"--but still, it's my name on rice.

Anyway, I'm sure this isn't exciting for anyone but me...but I am plenty excited about it.

Then, speaking of my name on things, I feel like such a social media darling--my name was mentioned in not one but two blogs today. How knew that asking a question about Facebook would be cause for such interest and enthusiasm?

3 Out of 4 Moms are Worst Parents Ever?

So far, I'm batting 3 for 3 on the Worst Parent Ever (WPE)scale (as defined by me, of course.)

But who would have thought I'd be in such good company? According to a very BPE (best parent ever) source--the esteemed New York Times--most moms give up on breastfeeding. According to the article, here are 4 more defining criteria for WPE:

Returning to work, being a smoker or living in the Northeast decreased the likelihood of long-term breast-feeding. Notably, low-income women who participated in the subsidized Women, Infants and Children program, which provides food, milk and formula to mothers and young children, were also more likely to stop breast-feeding sooner.

Interesting--I can see how returning to work or smoking could be considered WPE characteristics--and of course it's a given that low-income women on WIC are WPE--but I'm surprised to see that "living in the Northeast" apparently makes you more likely to be a formula-feeding WPE. Strange, given that a decent number of Ivy Leage schools--BPE (oh, actually, White people--well,same thing) pillars--are located in the Northeast.

Doctor's Out

So much for MedSpa doctor--I was all geared up to go get my Botox fix at 10 am today; at 9 am the girl called to say he couldn't do it today. Bummer. Now I have to deal with tense forehead until Thursday. Maybe I'll have an epiphany between now and then and will be able to just say no to Botox. Or maybe someone will invent topical Valium before Thursday.

Strip Mall Botox

I have absolutely nothing to say but feel compelled to try to keep up some kind of momentum with this poor neglected blog. It's Friday night, Patrick has a baseball game and I'm home with the kids. We went to Burger King for dinner. Did you know that BK onion rings have less fat and calories than almost anything on the menu? Just a little nutritional tip from me to you, courtesy of the tray liner that now includes complete nutritional content information for every single item on the menu. Including ketchup packets (10 calories, 0 fat).

The highlight of my day was that the former "day spa" in Olney--e.g. glorified nail salon--is now a MedSpa. "Med" meaning that a doctor has decided to make some cash on the side so he opened an office in there. All I know is this: I went in to ask how much Botox is there and it's half what I usually pay.

I will pause here to mention that I make no bones about the fact that yes, I get Botox in my forehead. Why? Because a few years ago I had a horrible eye twitch that lasted for--no lie--8 months. It would start the minute I opened my eyes in the morning and would last all day, every day, from January until August until I finally got insurance to pay for the one available treatment for "blepharospasm": Botox. I was so psyched, thinking that the doctor would put one drop in my eyelid then generously offer to use the rest on my forehead for free. Not that I even had a ton of wrinkles--ok, I actually had no wrinkles--but did have a few lines and was just curious to see what I would look like without them.

I got so fixated on the idea that when, sadly, it turned out that the doctor charged me (luckily, my insurance paid it) $400 for ONE tiny shot in my eyelid and would have charged me $600 more if I wanted it in my forehead too, I found another doctor who charged half that and ponied up the money.

(By the way, the Botox didn't really fix the eye twitch, but it spontaneously stopped the day I moved out of my ex-husband's house. Literally--gone--just like that.)

Anyway, as I said, I shelled out the money for the Botox and loved it. Even when my first go-round rendered me totally cockeyed looking, with one eyebrow raised up WAY higher than the other, I was totally mesmerized by my smooth as an eggshell forehead and the resulting expression of perpetual tranquility. I loved it. Then, after about 4 months it started wearing off. It's like Cinderella at midnight--you watch as your blissfully lineless, relaxed forehead starts waking up and them--poof--you're back to you regular middle-aged lady forehead once again.

The thing about Botox is that you get addicted not only to the look of your line-less forehead but also to the way it feels. That is, you feel nothing--imagine the ultimate muscle relaxant--that's Botox. Ok, so it doesn't actually relax the muscles; it paralyzes them...but it's a very comfortable state regardless. Once it starts wearing off and you can once again move your forehead (you can move your eyebrows the whole time, btw) it feels very uncomfortable.

Imagine not using your legs at all for 4 straight months. Then you get up and try to walk. Your legs wouldn't feel too good, would they? They'd be so weak it would be an effort even to move them. Now apply that to your forehead. For months those muscles were basically dead; once they start waking up they are atrophied from disuse. Which means that just the effort of them not being totally dead is a strain--your forehead starts feeling they way your neck and shoulders do when you're really stressed out. I don't know how to explain it other than that it feels like the effort of just keeping your eyebrows in place is a strain and it leaves your forehead feeling weirdly exhausted and tense.

Long story short: you get addicted not only to the look of your flawlessly smooth skin but also to the physical feeling of totally relaxed muscles. It's like crack--once you start regaining feeling it gets more and more uncomfortable and you start jonesing for another shot to put them back to blissful sleep for another 4-6 months.

I was going to quit--honestly I was--I decided it was ridiculous to spend that much money on something as stupid as a smooth forehead. But my forehead is TIRED and I swear I'm craving that shot like a smoker craves cigarettes. And now I can get it for half what I used to pay--how can I resist?

So if you see me on Monday and it looks like a hive of bees went to town on my forehead (the shots leave big welts on my skin for a day or so after I get them) you know I caved.

You Want Career Advice? Ask a 20-Something

Anyone who reads my blogs knows that I’m a huge fan of Penelope Trunk. I used to read her blog—still do—but now I also read some of the featured blogs on her website Brazen Careerist. The site is geared towards Gen-Y--or the term I find funnier, Millennials-- and many of the bloggers are 20-somethings giving career advice either before they have careers or from the vantage point of their entry-level jobs. A lot of posts are arrogant dissertations about why Gen-Y is better than previous generations--smarter, more creative, more technically savvy, not willing to settle for the crappy lives every person over the age of 35 has--basically annoying and sort of hilarious.

Take this post, for example Twentysomething: Why My generation is More Productive Than Yours. Main takeaway from the post: "We’ve seen our washed up parents work shit jobs they hate, and we won’t go through the motions for the sake of job security." Hey now--give your poor hard-working parents a break: someone had to finance your lessons, sports, activities--you know, all that stuff that helped you get into the expensive college that they also had to pay for. And just when they thought it was over and you'd be getting jobs like college grads of yesteryear did, you decide you are going to do the responsible thing and move back home.

One of my favorite Brazen Careerist posts was written by a 20-something who's "working a temporary job as I actively pursue a career in the publishing industry." Actively pursuing as in working a temp job with no benefits while daydreaming about moving to France and getting a kick-ass job? Naturally, the crux of the plan is moving back in with her parents. You go girl, with the career advice. Send me a postcard from the major publishing house in France and let me know how that worked out for you.

Back to the "washed up" parents, though: maybe their "shit jobs" aren't the only culprit of their washed up lives. Maybe they're exhausted from having spent 20 years lavishing attention and praise on their youngins. The helicopter parenting that created these arrogant 20-somethings is bound to wear a person out. Think about it--20 years spent anxiously hovering over your kid, making sure he/she doesn't have to experience a moment's discomfort lest it damage their self-esteem--it's like being a stewardess or something. Not to mention a bank; sure, it's easy to be a 20-something who won't settle for just any mundane job when your parents are still supporting you. Rent? Health insurance? Not a worry for these clever Gen-Yers who will end up happier and more successful and just better in every way than previous generations because they're making their own rules and succeeding on their own terms.

Don't worry about reading all the blogs on Brazen Careerist; I'll sum them up for you: the keys to career success are:

1) Mastering MySpace and other social networking applications that the older generation just doesn't get and which are basically the only job skills required at the flexible dream jobs where there are no rules, no set hours and unlimited vacation.

and

2) Relying on your parents to support you and then hook you up with a sweet internship that will ultimately--no rush, now, since rent isn't an issue--lead to a job that pays as much as your parents' "shit job" but that is satisfying and morally superior.

Don't get me wrong--I am all for the results-only work environment (ROWE)...but I'm old and I've earned it.