Sunday Catch-Up

Ok--so that last post was a cheat, sorry about that. So much for my blogging every day in November idea...you know the intent was there, right?

Aside from starting a new job last week--which includes a daily round-trip commute to/from Tysons--here's what I've been up to, in case you're wondering:

• My last living grandmother died last Wednesday. Sad but also a relief--she was 97 and was on the decline for years now, then had a stroke a few weeks ago from which she never would have recovered. The good part of it was that it meant my sister, Cassie, came home for the weekend, so we got to spend Friday evening together--a rare treat.


• Speaking of Cassie and Friday, we went to see Precious. Mimi insisted on coming too, which, if you know Mimi, was totally out of character--she's usually not the most social kid on the planet. So I continued my WPE legacy and let her go to see Precious, which was, um, thematically mature, to say the least. For all the hype the movie got I have to say I wasn't that impressed--I gave it about a 6.5. Mo'nique was AWESOME, however.


• I just finished Augusten's new book, You Better Not Cry. It was like an early Christmas gift in its perfection; it's been a while since he's had a book of short stories out and these stories do not disappoint. I'm sad, though, because according to Augusten on Twitter, he and Dennis have broken up. Knowing this, I admit the last story in the book depressed me. But here's hoping for a Christmas miracle that they get back together.


• The main benefit (aside from time to actually have a phone conversation) of a long commute is being able to listen to audiobooks. The multi-tasker in me loves that I'm able to "read" two books at once--one actual book and one audiobook. I just finished Elizabeth Berg's We Are All Welcome Here and highly recommend it. If you need a happy ending to help you get through the holidays (not THAT kind! Nasty.) this is a great choice. Actually, if you want the most relaxing Christmas book EVER, it's Miss Read's Christmas at Thrush Green.


• Speaking of relaxing, my sister introduced me to this website and it's very relaxing in a hypnotic kind of way. If I had any free time, I'd be wasting it playing with that sand.


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I'm Baack!

Geez, long time no post. I was away on a business trip--the good part of which was that I was with my sister, Cassie. It was fun to work a meeting again--I hadn't done one in a few years. This was a convention with 12,500 attendees--probably at least 10,000 of whom were young 20-something girls who all looked like J Crew models. I definitely felt 40. Luckily, I got home Saturday night and Sunday at 5 pm was Botox.

Remember my strip mall Botox doctor, the one who wanted me to do marketing for him in exchange for free treatments? Unfortunately it turned out that what any intelligent person could have told me was true: strip mall Botox is no good. He may as well have been injecting saline that maybe sat next to Botox during shipping, because it lasted all of about a month--if that. So it was back to the regular Botox party with the guy who uses enough to render your face expressionless for a good 4-6 months.

For the uninitiated, a Botox party is when you get together a group of ladies and all get injections together--it's cheaper that way because the doctor doesn't have to open a vial to shoot up one person then have to waste the rest. The funny part to me is that half the women there don't tell their husbands they get Botox. They all had to come up with stories about why they were running out for an hour and a half at 5 pm on a Sunday night. That and then showing up at home with a bunch of little welts all over their faces. Not to mention $400 missing from the checking account. But I digress...all I know is that my wrinkles are vanishing as I type this.

Speaking of you, Cassie--did you know I tagged you to do 5 fun facts about yourself? Better get to work on that; even Penelope Trunk responded.

And speaking of Penelope Trunk--who, yes, I blog about almost as much as I blog about Stuff White People Like and Augusten Burroughs--had a good post last week that dovetails with this post and my last one.

I'm BAAACK!!

Did you miss me? I am so impressed with myself for (almost) going without internet for a full week. I did check email (ok--and Twitter) from my phone and I did have to go to Bethany Bytes once--but only to print and send my CherryPal Brand Angel agreement back so they can send me my free computer.

Yes, that's right, folks--granted, it's not a book deal but I have managed to secure not one but two products of actual monetary value as a result of blogging. The first was a book--Groundswell by Forrester Research--they invited bloggers to email them and the first however many would get a free copy of the book to read and blog about. Which I did.

Remember the "gigs" section of Craigslist? Ok--not those gigs--I'm talking about the writing gigs section now. Anyway, a month or so ago I answered an ad looking for bloggers who wanted to serve as "brand angels" for this new "green" computer. Get to try a cool new computer before anyone else gets it? For free? And blog about it? Hells yeah.

So I applied and got selected. Hopefully in a few days I'll have my "cloud computer" in my hands and will be able to tell all you eager readers about it.

So what did I do for 7 days without internet? Read. A lot:

A Girl Named Zippy by Haven Kimmel--I loved this book and think she's awesome...if you like Lynda Barry you'll love her. In fact, I wonder if she's not actually Lynda Barry. Oh, and she's friends with Augusten...lucky dog.

The Weight of Water by Anita Shreve (didn't she used to be called Anita Richards Shreve?)--I loved this book--finished it in one day, so I guess that qualifies it as a page-turner.

The Day I Ate Whatever I Wanted by Elizabeth Berg. Augusten recommended this book and I loved it as much as he did. At first I was like "huh?" but the stories are incredible--especially Ove the Hill and into the Woods. Very Raymond Carver/John Cheever.

Shock by Robin Cook--Ok--this was an audiobook that we all listened to throughout the week. Fun and interesting but lots of stupid/ridiculous stuff...as there always is in Robin Cook's books. The kids liked it, or at least Matthew did.

Then topped off the week with two movies--The Dark Knight and, finally, Sex and the City. I can't even begin to tell you how incredible Heath Ledger was in The Dark Knight--I'm not kidding. He was as good as Jack Nicholson in The Shining or Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs. Sad. I would be shocked if he doesn't at least get nominated for an Oscar, and not at all shocked if he wins.

Sex and the City was good but sort of "eh?" The best girl in the movie was Carrie's assistant, Louise from St. Louis. Every time Carrie was on screen she looked thinner and thinner--I swear, if she turned sideways all you could see was her hair. Ok, and her nose...but that's not nice of me to say. Especially considering that many more than one person has told me I look like her. Maybe the "long" face (as Patrick so lovingly put it) but hopefully not the nose--and sadly not the hair or the arms or the abs. Actually, I can't even covet anything about her body--she just looked scrawny. As much as I hate to admit it, maybe Maxim Magazine was on to something when they named her the unsexiest woman in the world. Angelina can barely carry being that skinny while remaining sexy; SJP just looks gaunt.

Readin'

Since I haven't been able to type or play computer games much I've had to resort to other recreational pursuits. I'm not much of a TV lover (although the new Denise Richardson show looks promising for trashy entertainment; that girl has a worse trash mouth than I do and it is NOT attractive) so I have mostly been reading. A lot.

I already wrote about Augusten's new book--naturally it rocked. Since then I have read the following:

Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher. It was good but depressing and freaky. If you want to feel normal, read this book. Just reading it is exhausting; I can't imagine having to live it. This book could serve as a FIO DSM: if you relate to this girl and/or have experienced what she has, you're crazy; if not, you're fine. Ok--sorry--I know "crazy" is not the PC term, but since I am supposedly crazy myself I'm allowed to call it that. And I'm telling you--I am 1000% less crazy than this poor woman.

Split by Suzanne Finnamore. I read this book because Augusten recommends it; I think she's a good friend of his. Lucky cow. Anyway, while I did like it and ultimately think she's a good writer, it took a long time to warm to her style. It could have something to do with the fact that I cannot relate to women who know their husbands are cheating yet choose to live in denial and want him anyway. Her story is that one day her husband just announces he's leaving and she is devastated and desperately wants him back, even when we learn, though a series of flashbacks spanning as far back as the beginning of their relationship, that he was a serial cheater.

She describes finding a book of poetry--with a romantic inscription and "xoxo Me"--in their house and it's sure not hers. She finds a cocktail napkin with some romantic song lyrics written on it in her husband's handwriting, complete with some other woman's name written in the margins or something; not only does she find it but she finds it on the floor of the nursery when she is 8 months pregnant.

Then of course there's the blatantly obvious: he has left her for another woman who he moves in with and proceeds to have a baby with. Throughout the whole thing Finnamore just swoons about how much she loves him; she repeatedly sleeps with him and, right up till the very last paragraph, seems to revel in the fact that he still likes to be with her or spend time with her or sleep with her when the fancy strikes him. She lovingly describes how he will just show up unannounced and help himself to her food, her furniture--even her mail. The guy turns my stomach--he leaves her for this other woman, then is cheating on the other woman with her. All the while she's painting him in this romantic light; how what they had was so beautiful and special and he obviously can't live without her. Meanwhile, it's blaringly apparent that the guy is a sociopath who does what he wants, when he wants, with who he wants and doesn't give it a second thought. Scott Peterson was very charming and sincere, too--and look how that turned out.

I don't mean to cut on Augusten's friend, but I just don't understand how she can stand to look at this guy, much less continue to mourn losing him and want him back. The book is good, but I say that very reluctantly because the whole thing was almost ruined by her ridiculous longing for her dick of an ex-husband.

Ok, well my pinkie is totally numb now so that will have to suffice; I'll fill you in on the other books I've read when I regain the feeling in my finger.

Go Augusten! A Wolf At The Table is a Bestseller!

I finished Augusten's new book, A Wolf At The Table, and it was fabulous. It's definitely different from his other books--for one thing, it's not light or funny or self-deprecating. It's just sad, but beautifully written. I won't say more than that because you have to read it yourself but I will say that I don't understand why people harp about whether or not his books are actually true or if he made stuff up or what. Who cares? A book is a book and he's an awesome writer and his stories are engaging whether or not they're true. I wish they weren't true--I wish he didn't have such a sad story to tell--but at least he's happy and successful now.

I hope he sells a million copies of this book so next time he does a book tour he gets to go to more stores than the one tiny one he'll be doing in DC on Tuesday, which I may well miss--much to my infinite sadness. I thought he'd be at Barnes and Noble or whatever out in the burbs, but apparently not. Actually, maybe he chooses the venues and didn't want a big store?

Anyway, to add insult to injury, when I tried to look at the website for the group that's sponsoring the signing he's doing in DC I couldn't view it because the place I work blocks gay and lesbian websites. I'm not talking porn; I'm talking the Human Rights Campaign Equality Forum website. How they don't get slapped with a discrimination lawsuit here for blatantly blocking anything having to do with gays is beyond me.

At any rate, go read it and tell me what you think. And keep your fingers crossed that I can get downtown by 6:30 pm on Tuesday to see him!

Tick Tock--and Augusten

I haven't been writing in here much because I'm distracted waiting to hear about something that I can't write about yet. And no, I'm not pregnant so don't go thinking it's that.

Oh, and sadly, it's not a 6-figure (or any figure) book deal either.

In an attempt to distract myself I checked Augusten's website to see when he's coming to DC and THANK GOD it's changed from May 19 to May 20. May 19 is Mimi's birthday and I don't think 12 year old girls react too well to their moms having to take a pass on birthday dinner to go to meet Augusten. Maybe I could have convinced her that she, too, wanted to go meet him; Matthew was listening to Magical Thinking with me in the car and was riveted to the story about Augusten being in a Tang commercial when he was a kid. It's a given that she'll be her snarky self anyway, so no matter what we do it will be met with attitude anyway. Remember Wednesday Adams? That stone faced look and constant world-weary attitude? Yeah, that's Mimi.

Anyway, it looks like he's coming May 20th instead so all is right in the world. Here is an article about him and his new book in the New York Times.

In the meantime, I just ordered 4 books he recommends highly in his blog:

A Girl Named Zippy and She Got Up Off the Couch: And Other Heroic Acts from Mooreland, Indiana by Haven Kimmel.

Split: A Memoir of Divorce by Suzanne Finnamore

The Day I Ate Whatever I Wanted: And Other Small Acts of Liberation by Elizabeth Berg

Augusten Says You Must Go Buy This Book

If you read this blog you know two things about me:

1) I am obsessed with Augusten Burroughs--I love him, his writing, think he's redonk smart and funny and he just rocks. He is living proof of the "if you want something badly enough and believe it will happen theory." My favorite quote of his: "When I was 34, I decided to stop being an alcoholic and become a New York Times best-selling author."

And just like that, he did.

And,

2) I'm all about recommending--and even reviewing--books I have yet to read.

At any rate, I was reading his blog just now and he was raving about his good friend, Haven Kimmel (lucky girl!!) and praising her upcoming book, Iodine. He says she's hilarious and a brilliant writer, and naturally he's one to know. I we should all take his advice and read this book when it comes out, and in the meantime, read the other books she's written.

If you decide not to heed this advice, fear not: I will read them all and you know you'll be reading about it here. And I promise to actually read them.

Boss-Free

I'm enjoying my first (and probably last, now that I jinxed it by talking about it) day at work without a boss. My old boss left Friday and nobody has really mentioned who my new one will be so I'm just sort of laying low in hopes of them forgetting about me entirely.Except on payday, of course.

I feel sort of like George in that episode of Seinfeld where he goes to that empty office every day, takes his coat off, sits down at the desk and stays there until 5 pm, at which time he puts his coat on and leaves. Granted, I do have work to do right now and probably for the forseable future, but what would happen if I just didn't do it? Who would people complain to?

Anyway, I have been impressing myself with new html tricks such as making a button:



We are in the process of re-designing that page, which is why I get to spend my day learning nifty stuff like that.

Anyway, I am already the queen of muti-tasking, especially on the computer. At any given time I will have a million windows open--writing something, reading articles, blogs, seeing what the Today's Special Value is (until they blocked QVC at work, sadly), etc. Add to that the fact that I have two computers side by side here at work--a PC and a Mac with a 24" screen. My computer multi-tasking skills are crazy now--soon I'll be able to type with two hands at once, one on each keyboard.

At any rate, I hadn't checked Augusten's website in a while so I went to check it out and found out HE IS COMING TO DC ON MAY 20th!!!! Good thing it's not the 19th because that's Mimi's birthday and I'd have to be sent to the mother's hall of shame for missing her birthday. I strongly advise you to go to his website and read his Details columns (8th link down in the bottom right hand corner of the page). Hilarious!

Well, better get back to the boss-less job.

New Stewart Lewis Book

Hey--if you followed my advice and read Rockstarlet, Augusten Burroughs' assistant Stewart Lewis' first book (apologies, Stewart, for being forever referred to by me as Augusten's assistant...) you will be excited to know that he's written another book, Relative Stranger, to be released this summer.

Also, you can now download a chapter from Augusten's upcoming book, A Wolf At The Table, on his website.

Write it and they will read?

So I'm reading Web Content Report right now and in the "What's Working" section, where they feature random sites, blogs, trends, etc, they mention "The Non-Blogger's Blogger," someone called Mimi Smartypants. They say she decided to keep an online journal of "every silly little thought to enter her entirely too witty 30-year old brain..." which ultimately got published in book form.

Isn't writing every silly little thought to enter one's mind the definition of blogging? What makes her a "non-bloggers blogger"? Apparently what makes her one is the fact that, either by her own initiative or just by chance--it doesn't specify which--her journal entries were eventually published. Web Content Report goes on to say "Yes, everyone has a blog now...(but) everything this young woman writes down is colored with humor and shaded with charisma." Um, isn't that true of almost every blog worth reading? What makes her so special her blog is--to steal a phrase from Seinfeld--"book-worthy"?

I guess this is hardly a new trend and surely this isn't the only blog-to-book success story but I guess it's the first I've heard of it. My question is how do you luck into the ultimate fuck it off way of getting a book deal? I guess using phrases like "fuck it off" probably don't enhance the odds that some philanthropic publisher will decide your online ramblings are something that would be gobbled up by the masses in print form.

Or who knows--maybe they would be intrigued by the fuck it off philosophy--after all, isn't it just another way of following "The Secret"? God knows that philosophy was apparently book-worthy, not to mention DVD-worthy and product-worthy to the tune of millions. But then again, what better proof is there that The Secret--or, better stated, my beloved Augusten Burroughs' "Magical Thinking"--works? Write it and they will read it...and pay tons for the privilege.

Anyway, since it is highly unlikely HarperCollins will happen to stumble upon my blog and decide I'm the next Bridget Jones I guess I better return to the writing I'm getting paid to do--which, at this particular moment is writing a "news item" about the availability and purpose of the online financial reporting capabilities. Then another news item about the inclement weather policy and yet another detailing the ins and outs of reporting partial day leave. Maybe those gems will be book-worthy.

Ok, I HATE Augusten's mother--it appears that she has disowned him, judging by the links page on her website. There's the link to her other son's book right a the top...but no mention of her other son. Nice.

I guess she couldn't take that he has become what she herself always thought she'd be: a famous writer.

Shocker that he had such a screwed up childhood.

Augusten's new book is coming soon!

In the meantime I guess I will have to relent and buy his brother's book because I never see it at the library.

Ok, hold up--I was just googling "Augusten Burroughs' brother" to put the link to his book in here and, via another site, found Augusten's MOTHER'S blog. Crazy. Now I have to go read everything on it.

By the way, who cares whether or not every word in Running With Scissors was totally fabricated by Augusten? A book is a book.

So I check my email this morning and in the "subject" column is this:

Augusten's Assistant

Had Augusten been obsessing over me since I emailed him and was now having his assistant email me to tell me he just HAD to meet me? Or was it someone who reads this blog writing to tell me something about Augusten's assistant?

This was the email:

Hi lovely folks,

It's Stewart, Augusten's assistant, and I wanted to (humbly) let you know about my debut novel that was recently published, ROCKSTARLET. It's a dishy, hollywood tale about a closeted rockstar, and based on your emails, I've chosen the people i think would enjoy...

How psyched am I that I am apparently in Augusten's assistant's address book? (or then again, it could be because I'm on the mailing list for Augusten's website? Surely not--remember my email conversation with him a few weeks ago?)

So skip the books I recommended yesterday and go buy this and we will discuss.

AugustenB

How psyched was I to open my gmail inbox and see an email from "AugustenB"?! I had emailed my new obsession, Augusten Burroughs, to tell him how great I think he is and also to ask him how he deals with the inevitable criticism that is inherent in any writer's line of work, let alone a memoirist's. I asked if he ever used to worry about it and, if so, how he overcame it. I never expected to hear back from him--although of course my fantasy was that he would read my email and realize we are psychic twins separated at birth and we would become best friends. The same fantasy I used to have about Oprah until I met her and realized we were not actually soulmates.

So I open my inbox the other day and gasped when I saw "AugustenB" in the "From" column. My fantasy had come true and Augusten had actually written me back! Ok, so the email was actually from his assistant, but still, isn't an email from Augusten's personal assistant almost as good as an email from Augusten himself? Here is what is said:

maggie-
first off, thanks for writing. i know augusten appreciates it.
i can't speak directly for him, but i do know that you can NEVER be a memoirist if you care what people think! augusten had a NEED to write about his life, and if he worried about what people were going to think, the writing would be stifled, and probably a lot less successful.
hope this helps and that you possibly get to meet augusten next year when he tours with his new book.
cheers,
stewart (augusten's assistant)

I love it how he says that Augusten had a NEED to write about his life and couldn't be bothered with what people might say about him or his writing. That is exactly why I am obsessed with him--first of all, because it is very evident in his writing that he had a "need" to write it and that need is what makes him such a magnificent writer. Secondly, I am obsessed with him because I love it that he doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks about him, his life, his writing, etc--in spite of any negatives he is the one who, in the end, is a NYT best-selling author, sought-after speaker at various ivy-league colleges and just an overall genius and cultural icon. He is the embodiment of my life philosophy; namely, just wish for something hard enough and it will come true and no need to conform to "requirements" like advanced degrees or abiding by sociatal norms about what's ok to talk about and what's not.

Anyway, you can bet your ASS I will be meeting him next year when he tours with his new book.