Stuff Black People Like

Geez, I am slacking off about writing in here lately. Any blogging time I have seems to go to Mizz Information, since that blog actually gets read now, believe it or not. I started that blog last February and it had 18 page views that month; last month it was up to 496 page views. Twice in the past month I've had people interview me for print articles about social media and social networking--it cracks me up that it's possible to be an "expert" on Facebook and Twitter.

But I digress...

Ok, we all know a) how obsessed I am with Stuff People Like and b) how obsessed I am with black culture.

I don't know why it didn't occur to me to search for it sooner, but the other day I suddenly wondered "I wonder if there's Stuff Black People Like?" I Googled it and of course there is Stuff Black People Like. The first one I clicked was hilarious. I particularly liked Matching from Head to Toe and Beyond and Hair Styles. Then I clicked on "about" and realized the guy who writes it is white. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but somehow a white guy writing about what black people like just doesn't work as well as a black guy writing about what black people like. So I continued my search and found my new obsession: Cobb.

I will let you read and enjoy it at your leisure--and don't forget the comments! My favorite comment?

"I can't get enough of hot sauce. I put hot sauce on everything...even ice cream and pussy!"

I'm Baack!

Geez, long time no post. I was away on a business trip--the good part of which was that I was with my sister, Cassie. It was fun to work a meeting again--I hadn't done one in a few years. This was a convention with 12,500 attendees--probably at least 10,000 of whom were young 20-something girls who all looked like J Crew models. I definitely felt 40. Luckily, I got home Saturday night and Sunday at 5 pm was Botox.

Remember my strip mall Botox doctor, the one who wanted me to do marketing for him in exchange for free treatments? Unfortunately it turned out that what any intelligent person could have told me was true: strip mall Botox is no good. He may as well have been injecting saline that maybe sat next to Botox during shipping, because it lasted all of about a month--if that. So it was back to the regular Botox party with the guy who uses enough to render your face expressionless for a good 4-6 months.

For the uninitiated, a Botox party is when you get together a group of ladies and all get injections together--it's cheaper that way because the doctor doesn't have to open a vial to shoot up one person then have to waste the rest. The funny part to me is that half the women there don't tell their husbands they get Botox. They all had to come up with stories about why they were running out for an hour and a half at 5 pm on a Sunday night. That and then showing up at home with a bunch of little welts all over their faces. Not to mention $400 missing from the checking account. But I digress...all I know is that my wrinkles are vanishing as I type this.

Speaking of you, Cassie--did you know I tagged you to do 5 fun facts about yourself? Better get to work on that; even Penelope Trunk responded.

And speaking of Penelope Trunk--who, yes, I blog about almost as much as I blog about Stuff White People Like and Augusten Burroughs--had a good post last week that dovetails with this post and my last one.

A Banner Day in the Blogosphere

It's been slow going for me lately, creatively-speaking. I haven't felt like blogging but was alarmed to see my already minimal audience dwindle by the day so I've really been trying to squeeze some posts out. Not like you could tell or anything.

But I just finished reading Penelope Trunk's blog and don't even know where to begin my rant. Not about Penelope--she is my idol--did you know she makes $15,000 for one speaking engagement? Granted, she is, I'm sure--as one woman in my book group once described herself and the term became one of my favorites--a "gunner"--e.g. total type A, super competetive woman. But hey--she's a good writer and makes enough money to afford a $50k "house manager" in addition to a nanny and a housekeeper. I bow to her....but wouldn't want to be her.

Anyway, her post focused on this NY Times article about shared parenting and I couldn't help but think that the Stuff White People Like people would have a field-day with it.

Where do I even begin? Well, as Penelope did, with the "insipid photo," of course. Are there honestly people out there who see a photo like this and take it at face value, rather than laugh it off as a parody of yuppie parents? Are there really people out there so humorless that a photo like this serves only to get their competetive "best parent in universe" juices flowing?

I confess I didn't read beyond the first page of the article; I figure the title of the article, together with the term "breast milk" juxtaposed with the spooky photo, probably says it all anyway. What's up with a story that spans 10 web pages? Ten pages should be the sum total of an entire SITE--never one article.

But I digress...because after I did my three-point glance at the page and returned to Penelope's post, my eyes lit on this sentence:

A second disclaimer is that Amy and Marc, featured there as the poster children for shared care, are also people I’ve helped—about how to pitch themselves to the media so they could get some articles written about themselves and get a book deal. And they, too, were nice.

Did someone say book deal?

Seriously, though--there are people out there who think they are fascinating enough that they seek advice on how to pitch themselves to the media? I mean, regular people, fascinating--in their own eyes, at least--for just being regular people? While there are many fascinating things about me that would undoubtedly make A+ book fodder, I would be forever banished from polite company if I ever wrote it--not to mention it would probably send my mother into heart failure. My blogging in general already has her half there.

Back to Amy and Marc though--the picture on their website is even freakier than the one in the NYT article. Aren't sites that look like this usually reserved for engaged couples? At first glance I thought Amy and Marc were caterers or something--what with the chef hats and all--and figured that accounted for the desire for media coverage. But no--as you can see for yourselves, Amy and Marc are merely trying to pitch their perfectness to the media.

This post is already long enough and I still have one more thing to cover so I'll leave it at that...suffice it to say that I'm sure an upcoming topic on Stuff White People Like will be Shared Parenting.

Which brings me to the final--and probably best--link of all. ThirdPath--a favorite resource of Amy and Marc's--ranks right up there with Le Petite Paradis in terms of its "you've got to be kidding me" quotient. I'll have to write about ThirdPath another time, as it deserves its own post, but I'll just say that if my career as a Bottle Whisperer doesn't pan out I'm going to try offering "coaching calls" for $150 an hour.

Stuff White People Like (yes, again)

Yesterday our friends Jen and Chris were visiting and somehow the conversation turned to Stuff White People Like. I am so obsessed with it I had to pull out the laptop and share one of my all-time favorite things white people like: Having Black Friends.

"Since we are on the verge of electing a black president, it seems important to explain why white people want black friends. Every white person wants a black friend like Barack: good-looking, well-spoken, and non-violent. Obviously, whites want black friends so as not to appear racist (see earlier Obama post). However, if we dig deeper what we notice about white people is not if they have black friends but in fact, how many black friends they have. White people like numbers. They like to count things like stars in the sky and the death toll at Mt. Everest and the number of times they’ve seen Tori Amos and/or Phish in concert. Counting the number of black friends is then clearly a divine imperative. The number of black friends white people possess also illustrates their comfort with black culture. Here’s a handy guide to the number system:

1—The white novice. This black friend is the gateway to helping white people understand gang signs and Vietnamese beauty supply stores. This black friend is probably the only black friend for many white people and when they all hang out (because white people hang out) they bring their “mutual” black friend with them.

2—The white black club-goer. Two black friends serve as bodyguards when white people go to black clubs to see how exactly one “pops, drops and locks” it.

3 -4—The white BET-er. See Justin Timberlake/ Robin Thicke/ Jon B for more information. For old school reference, see Michael McDonald.

5 and up—Impossible."

LMAO!

White People--Christian Lander's Got Your Number

Yesterday I mentioned Christian Lander's blog, Stuff White People Like, but said I hadn't really read it yet. I subsequently went and read it and have to say that it may well eclipse my former favorite website of all time, The Best Page In the Universe.

It is hilarious and so, so true. This post about how white people like free healthcare is one of my favorites.

Other stuff white people like: having gay friends, recycling, multilingual children, coffee, expensive sandwiches and microbreweries, to name just a few.

I must not be all white because the only thing on this short list (here's the full list) that I like is having gay friends--I am the anti-recycler, don't drink beer and, if I had a personal motto, it may well be "Welcome to America. Now speak English."

Blog-to Book-Deal #92

Ok, not really--I'm not sure if the actual number of blog-to-book deals to date is 92; I just stole "92" from the title of this article that appeared in the March 30, 2008 New York Times.

Christian Lander, an Internet copy writer, has a blog called Stuff White People Like. I would have given the guy a book deal for the title alone. I have to go read it but at a super quick glance (who, me--offer an opinion based upon a mere glance?) it looks hilarious. Hilarious, apparently, to the tune of $300,000, according to the NYT article.

Look at it this way--turn on your TV on any given evening and chances are you will find a reality show of some sort. Dating shows, beauty contests, a million different takes on the theme of survival, people battling it out to lose weight, people crammed in a house trying to annoy the shit out of each other, etc. You name it and there's a reality show about it. The whole premise is that people are entertaining enough just by themselves; no need for writers to sweat it out trying to write scripts or come up with ideas.

Isn't the same thing true of blogs? I'm certainly no literary agent yet I spend an inordinate amount of time reading various blogs. If I were in a position to make money by translating interesting ones into book deals I'd be set for life. Sit back and surf the infinite number of unsolicited book pitches--what could be easier? It's like being a modeling agent sitting at a pool filled with hot young girls--just sit there with a cocktail and take your pick of the ones who would make you the most money.

At any rate, is this not yet more evidence that FIO is the way the world operates now?

As is this, for that matter--my new FIO poster child, Penelope Trunk, blogging about how writing without typos is totally outdated. I say poster child because she embodies the spirit of FIO--that is, fuck rules--make your own, then laugh all the way to the bank.