Women and Midlife Crisis

I swear I need to write a book about this subject because there is precious little written about the subject of women and midlife crisis and there is a LOT of it going around in my world. There was a good article about it in the Washington Post yesterday (I'd link to it but the Washington Post site is freaking out right now so just go there, sign in and search for "midlife crisis"--you'll find it). Basically, the article says that midlife crisis--formerly the domain of men and the subject of many a book and movie--is now becoming increasingly popular among women, and less popular among men. Women are the ones initiating divorces, having affairs, doing the ole' Roger Sterling "I just want to be happy...I deserve to be happy" thing.

Hey--I'm one to talk--I've been there done that and lived to tell about it. But that's why I feel so strongly about it..."it" being that divorce is not something to be gone into lightly, or because you make contact with your old flame on Facebook and decide, a week later, that your life would be perfect if only you could divorce your husband (with whom you'll still be best friends, of course...because men aren't bitter if their wives leave them for other men and/or want to walk away with half of everything) and be with the love of your life.

Thinking that you'd be better off divorced? Here are a few facts for you:

• Most people who have affairs do not end up with the person they leave their spouse to be with. Ok I can't really call this a fact because I can't find a source to cite and, let's face it, probably 5 people will read this post so there's no point in me spending scads of time doing research to back this post...but I KNOW I've seen stats on this somewhere. The reality is that most people who have affairs--especially the kind that are mostly had online and are steeped in mystery, drama and outside the confines of "real life" (e.g. kids, home, financial worries, health issues, work, etc)--think that the blissful state they find themselves in while engaging in the affair--and are POSITIVE that this is the REAL THING end up being wrong. Once their special fantasy friend becomes their real-life partner the mystery, the drama, the thrill...all are gone and thrilling turns into mundane. Think you're the exception to this rule? Yeah, we all do. Just sayin'....
• Women end up in much worse financial shape than men do after divorce. This one I can back with stats...but I'll leave it at that one link and let you do more research if you're so inclined. ESPECIALLY if you're the one initiating the divorce, you're unlikely to walk away with alimony...which, these days, you're unlikely to walk away with even if your husband is the instigator. I've had women ask me--women who haven't worked in years and have no intention of working "but doesn't he have to give me the house, pay me alimony AND child support?" Um, no. That's not how it works. Granted, there are exceptions to every rule, but I'll go out on a limb and say that if you're divorcing, you need to figure you'll be supporting yourself--and possibly your kids--for the rest of your life. Sure, you could meet Prince Charming who will give you happily ever after, the sequel, but it's pretty unlikely and certainly not worth banking on. (pun intended). Am I just bitter because I'm divorced and alone and penniless? No--I'm actually one of the ones who met Prince Charming, the sequel, and is living happily ever after...so chances are it's already happened to me so it won't happen for you too. Or maybe it will happen to you...but my point is that it's rare and, for all I know, it could end tomorrow, so it's certainly nothing to count on.
• Divorce is devastating for kids. Granted, so is living life with parents who hate each other and scream constantly or hit each other. But life with parents who are happy...until one day out of the blue when one suddenly isn't happy and the next day--BLAM--divorce? Devastating. As I said, I'm not one to cast stones: I am divorced and my kids had to adjust. But I implore you: before you put your kids through a divorce, PLEASE think it through, truly try to make the marriage work and let divorce be the final option, not the first, quickest one. You owe that to your kids. Yes, therapy is expensive...but so is divorce. And also--if you're leaving for someone else who makes your life perfect and think your kids will love him just as much as you do...be aware that most likely that will not be the case. Again, you may be the exception to the rule...but EVERYONE can't be the exception so most people will not be.
• Women, don't hate. I know it is hard as hell to watch female friends lose their minds and announce that they've met the man of their dreams, are ecstatic and are getting divorced...but don't worry because they still plan on being best friends with the soon-to-be-ex and the kids are really excited about having two houses. If there's one thing women are great at it's being judgemental, and if there's another it's avoiding situations that make them uncomfortable. **raising my hand high here** But to me, this is the saddest part of female midlife crisis--the fact that it it is a crisis but it freaks people out so much they run for the hills and women are left to deal with it themselves. Women are famous for supporting each other, making casseroles, doing the "it takes a village" thing with the kids...except when it comes to cheating or divorce. I know when I got separated my "best friend" of over 10 years stopped speaking to me...and never spoke to me again. Can I understand why she did it? Yes. But it makes me sad to this day--I didn't deserve that. If you have been friends with a woman for years, don't abandon her because she's making what seem to be not smart choices. I know it's hard to stand by and watch...but at least for a while, maybe make the extra effort to try to understand where she's coming from and that maybe, just maybe, she's not acting rationally. In the end, maybe the friendship will end, but maybe your friendship will be the one thing that tethers her back to reality if she truly has gone off the deep end. Then again, maybe not...but maybe.

Ok, I'll get off my soapbox for now. But if you're reading this and any of this is ringing true, just know that you're not the only one who's ever gone through this...even though most women don't talk about it. Before you do anything rash, find a good therapist and try to see it from all sides.