Apparently I'm Not an Expert in What White People Like

One of my favorite blogs--Stuff White People Like--had a contest to see who could come up with new things white people like. The five best entries would be featured on the blog and the winners would get a free copy of the new book, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions by Christian Lander. The book is coming out July 1st and I'm going to buy it--even though I didn't win the contest--because I know it's going to be HILARIOUS.

Lest my creative efforts be wasted, this was my contest entry:

Everyone knows that "breast is best"--or at least all white people do. Breast milk is the elixir of the white gods--it's the all-natural, environmentally-friendly (no nasty plastic bottles!) way to guarantee your baby will become a gifted child and enjoy perfect health forever.

White people are naturally competitive--they like to be the best and have the best. What better way to combine being the best, giving the best and having the best than breastfeeding? Not only do the babies win by growing up with immune systems of steel and greatly increased odds of getting into an Ivy League school by virtue of their breast milk-enhanced brains, but the parents can check off the first of many things that they're doing perfectly. If, in spite of having been breast-fed, their babies turn out to be allergic to wheat or peanuts or end up with ADHD, the parents can rest assured that obviously breastfeeding was what saved the kid from being REALLY sickly. Meanwhile, if a non-breast-fed kid so much as sneezes or gets a B on a test, of course it's the parents' fault because they didn't breastfeed. And of course I mean parents' fault-- plural--rather than just moms', because white fathers see themselves as equally involved in breastfeeding even though the milk is not technically coming out of their breasts. Their support of the effort--waking up for every night feeding, changing the diaper and then getting the baby back to sleep--is obviously just as important as the actual milk.

Breastfeeding is so important to white people that they're willing to go to any length necessary to make sure they're able to give their babies "the best" for as long as possible. Lactation consultants are the beneficiaries of white people's obsession with breastfeeding--$150 an hour to come to your house to show you how to get your baby so suck on your nipple correctly.

Hey--can't blame a girl for trying--I thought my post was mighty white. And you know I never pass up an opportunity to rank on breastfeeding zealots because I'm bitter that a lactation consultant once told me my baby would die if I fed her formula.