The Real Reason I Love Social Media

In 140 characters or fewer, this is why I love social media:

@themediaishirin Helping laid off media employees find new work 140 characters at a time. Email us at mediaishiring@gmail.com

Reasons why this is awesome:

1) A 140 character resume as a serious way to find a new job? Hells yeah. You can't get more FIO than that, unless the world is reduced to communicating via meaningful glances or tongue clicks.

2) The name is really themediaishiring. But the dude either mistyped and left off the "g" or that was too long a username. Does he sweat it? Nope--in the awesome world of social media stuff like that just doesn't matter.

In traditional communications there are all kinds of rules: you have to have a journalism degree; you have to proof and edit and proof again--mistakes are forbidden; you have to use correct punctuation; you have to use italics and footnotes with subscripts and all that kind of stuff.

But in "new" media? Fuck that shit. Forget the "g" on the end of your name? Makes it more authentic. Italics? So old-school. Typos? Whatever--everyone knows bloggers are so busy furiously expressing themselves that they can't be bothered with editing or proofing. And don't even think of hiring someone to edit for you--that's a big no-no; again with the authenticity.

And times like now, when I started a post but have to be somewhere in 5 minutes so don't have time to think of a snappy ending--no matter.

Not.Feeling.It.

I don't know what's up with me--I'm just not feeling like blogging lately. Maybe because nothing interesting is happening lately? Or because I hate winter? I'm not feeling bad or anything--unlike my poor sister Cassie--just not very inspired to write anything interesting.

So I'm wracking my brains trying to think of something interesting and still coming up dry.

I'm trying to read several books right now--Amy Tan's Saving Fish From Drowning (it's good but apparently not that riveting, judging by the fact that I've been trying to read it for like a month now and am only on page 143); Elizabeth Buchan's Revenge of the Middle Aged Woman (again, ok but not great--but it is the prequel of a better book, Wives Behaving Badly) and another library book so uninspiring I can't even remember the name and am too lazy to go get it from the kitchen, where it's waiting to go back to the library since I've only read about 20 pages in the 3 weeks I've had it.

Wow--I'm boring myself just writing this so instead of continuing the torture for both of us, let's go to some commercial breaks.

Blythe: I can't decide if this is cute or just downright freaky:


Watching it again, I think I might have to go with freaky.

Kiddles: This is 90% hilarious and 10% emotional abuse against a child. Watch this and tell me you don't think the girl got the beat-down immediately following the taping of this video.



Am I imagining it or is the mom sort of sobbing at the end of the video?

Stuff Black People Like

Geez, I am slacking off about writing in here lately. Any blogging time I have seems to go to Mizz Information, since that blog actually gets read now, believe it or not. I started that blog last February and it had 18 page views that month; last month it was up to 496 page views. Twice in the past month I've had people interview me for print articles about social media and social networking--it cracks me up that it's possible to be an "expert" on Facebook and Twitter.

But I digress...

Ok, we all know a) how obsessed I am with Stuff People Like and b) how obsessed I am with black culture.

I don't know why it didn't occur to me to search for it sooner, but the other day I suddenly wondered "I wonder if there's Stuff Black People Like?" I Googled it and of course there is Stuff Black People Like. The first one I clicked was hilarious. I particularly liked Matching from Head to Toe and Beyond and Hair Styles. Then I clicked on "about" and realized the guy who writes it is white. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but somehow a white guy writing about what black people like just doesn't work as well as a black guy writing about what black people like. So I continued my search and found my new obsession: Cobb.

I will let you read and enjoy it at your leisure--and don't forget the comments! My favorite comment?

"I can't get enough of hot sauce. I put hot sauce on everything...even ice cream and pussy!"

Crickets
I'm just fresh out of things to blog about tonight, but didn't want to let a whole week pass without something going on here. So here's a liddle kiddle vid:


I wonder why there are so few Kiddle fans out there in cyber-world. There are tons of Blythe fans on Facebook and Blythe videos on YouTube.

Cassie, we need to get right on this and rectify this situation, don't you think?

Beauty Favorites

I know all of you have always thought "If Maggie is dumb enough to pay $500 for Botox she must spend a fortune on other makeup and beauty products." Actually, not true. True, I have tried many expensive products, but for the most part, over the years I have ruled out most of them in favor of cheap products that work just as well or better.

Ok--get your pens and paper out because I'm about to save you the trouble of trying a bunch of expensive products yourself and tell you what works.:

1) Avon ANEW ADVANCED All-In-One MAX SPF 15 UVA/UVB Lotion. It is light, doesn't make you break out, and contains glycolic acid and retinol, which correct sun damage and prevent further damage. Avon sells it for $16.50, but it frequently goes on sale. Also--and this applies for all these products--I always check ebay first because sometimes you can get the same product, brand new in the box--for way less on ebay. In this case it doesn't matter as much because it's pretty cheap from Avon, but it never hurts to check ebay first. With Avon products though, ebay usually isn't the best choice because you have to pay shipping and you don't if you buy Avon through your local Avon lady.

2) Dr. Perricone Neuropeptide eye cream. Ok, I'm already contradicting my thing about only buying cheap products--this retails for $195. But wait! The first time I bought it--and this is my gift to you--I got it from QVC because they have a "30 day or bottom of the bottle" guarantee. Meaning, you can buy it, pump it all into another container and return the empty bottle for a full refund. Before you damn me to hell, let me add that over the years I've bought a LOT from QVC, so I figure I'm entitled to a one-time free gift of some eye cream. I wouldn't do it more than once--come on, even I have a conscience. But all of you haven't used up your chance yet, so I forgive you in advance for doing it this one time. Anyway, if you don't want to go to hell over a bottle of eye cream, you can get it on ebay for anywhere from $20-$50, new and sealed. That's where I bought it after I realized I couldn't live without it after the free QVC trial. It works so well it's actually worth $195 and, if ebay didn't exist, I'd have to pay $195 for it because I haven't found another eye cream I like as much. Avon has a few that are also good, but in general, anything too creamy just makes the puffy bags under my eyes worse. Yes, even creams or gels that say they're specifically for getting rid of puffy eye bags.

3) Genie Instant Line Smoother. Ok, if you don't want to do the QVC try-and-return with the Perricone eye cream, you should definitely do it with this because this is a product that truly requires a try before you buy. I bought it wanting to just try it, and figured I'd be returning it because I doubted it actually worked. I have to say that, aside from Botox, this is the only other thing that honestly makes a visible difference--granted for puffy eyes, though, not wrinkles. If they invented the injectible equivalent of this I would do it, but sadly, it's the cosmetic equivalent of Cinderella's glass shoe--transforms when it's on, but once you wash it off, your eye bags are back. I would buy it from QVC the first time to make sure you like it, then look for it on ebay for less. Unfortunately, you can't find it for a lot less than the QVC price of $29.95, but it's always worth a look.

I should back up and say that I use this Genie line smoother for my eye bags--not for all over my face. I swear to GOD it works like a miracle--it honestly either fixes the bags completely or at least makes them 75% better. Even Patrick admits that it works.

Whew, this is tiring--guess I have a lot to say about beauty products. How about I leave it at this and next time cover face cleanser, night lotion and acne medicines? Then I will move on to cosmetics. Gives you something to look forward to and gives me at least 2 no-brainer blog posts.

Spawn of FIO

Mimi (aka Wednesday--my preferred name for her) was going to a birthday party today. I asked what she wanted to get the girl for a present. Her answer?

"I'll just give her some cash."

She insisted that buying a gift card is a waste of money--you have to pay $3 or whatever to activate it.

Clearly, she's inherited the FIO gene from me--or, I should say, the gene formerly known as FIO and now known as "Green."

• Why put a lot of thought into picking a gift; after all, who is better qualified to pick the perfect gift: the gift giver or the recipient? That's a lazy and inconsiderate way of thinking about it, right? Wrong! That's the green way of looking at it. Do you really want to saddle the gift recipient with not only a gift he/she won't use (wasting resources) but with the carbon footprint that unwanted gift left in its wake: the driving to the store, the manufacturing of the product, the lights in the store, etc? Of course not.


• Sure a gift card is neatly packaged and does, after all, contain the word "gift." But A) it costs more than its cash equivalent and B) it adds unnecessary waste to the planet. First there's the cardboard wrapper, then the nasty plastic card itself--destined for the landfill as soon as the recipient uses it. Cash might be tacky, but there is no wasted packaging when you hand someone a $20. And you saved yourself $8--the $3 you would have had to spend to activate the card and the $5 more than $20 you would have had to spend because Visa or AmEx gift cards only come in increments of $25.

In the end, though, I insisted Wednesday give the girl a gift card, not cash, so I did leave the carbon footprint to the store and back, spent $25 instead of $20 (plus $3 to activate it)--and the supermarket cashier felt the need to put the cardboard-sheathed plastic card inside not just one but TWO plastic bags--a small one inside a bigger one, even though the only thing the bigger one contained was a bottle of Diet Pepsi and a pack of gum.

What would a BPE have done in this situation? On one hand, no self-respecting BPE would ever have their kid show up at a party with anything less than a Martha Stewart-esque wrapped gift with matching bow and card. Then again, don't BPE get bonus points for being green?

Eco=FIO

After much deliberation, I still haven't come up with a comprehensive list of resolutions for 2009, so I'm settling on just one: this year I'm going to become more "green."

The beauty of the green lifestyle is that much of it is just a way to turn what is really a bunch of fuck it off (FIO) ways into something admirable and PC. If you think if it, doing what's right for the environment is, in many cases, just the same as being cheap and/or lazy.

Examples:

1) Gift wrapping. Only enviro-haters who want the earth to turn into a fireball buy fancy paper that's sole purpose is to envelop a gift already boxed or otherwise packaged for a few minutes until it's disdainfully ripped off and thrown in the trash. The eco-friendly way to wrap a gift is to use newspaper or, better yet, just hand it to the recipient unwrapped and explain to him or her that you're being eco-friendly and forgoing wrapping paper. You will score bonus points for being green, and will have saved yourself not only the expense of wrapping paper, bows, tape and a gift tag, but the chore of actually wrapping the gift.

2) Holiday or Greeting Cards. So you forgot to send a friend a birthday card, or didn't feel like shelling out upwards of $25 for cards (who am I kidding--most people purchase custom-crafted holiday cards that cost several dollars each; the sky is the limit because, after all, Christmas only comes once a year!)? Should you feel like a rude, forgetful slacker? No! You should feel like an eco-hero, because you saved not only the money for the cards and postage, but the trees that would have had to die for that card and of course the carbon footprint that card would have left on the planet: the gas for the mail truck, the machines that process mail--it all adds up, you know. Instead, you can just send an email saying happy birthday (or holiday, or whatever)-I just saved a tree in your honor by not sending you a card.

3) Personal grooming.Showering: wastes water and necessitates the purchase of shampoo, conditioner, shower gel and whatever other accoutrements you personally like to add to your shower or bath experience. Deodorant costs money and contains harmful, cancer-causing aluminum and is encased in earth-killing plastic. God forbid you use the aerosol kind--don't even get me started on the carbon footprint and health hazard that is aerosol anything. Ditto toothpaste. Instead of wasting time, money and effort showering and grooming daily, limit showers to once or twice a week (hey, Europeans do it so it must be great), skip the surfectant-laden shampoo and other cleanser and buy a big slab of eco-soap that does double duty as shampoo and body wash. Skip toothpaste--baking soda on a finger is good enough and saves the landfills from being filled with used toothbrushes and empty toothpaste tubes. And so on--basically the dirtier you are, the closer to the earth you are, right?

Ok, actually, after writing #3 I realized that there's no way I can ever go green--I am way too vain and lazy to ever become an eco-vigilante of that magnitude. I'll stick to not wrapping gifts or sending cards and exploring the world of luxury organic grooming products from my friend's online store, Organically Happy. I do admit that I have recently tried two eco products and was pleasantly surprised that they turned out to be better than their chemical-laden equivalents: Filthy Farmgirl Royal Almond handmade soap and SensAtia Grapefruit & Avocado Body Balm.

Well, here's to another year of living the FIO life and loving it!

*Moral of this post: don't write a blog post while you're watching TV; I've already had two people point out typos and/or grammar mistakes in this post.

FIO Movie Recap 2008

Didn't get to the movie theater 50 times in 2008 like I did? Fear not--here are my reviews so you can plan your Netflix queue accordingly.

In an effort to stay true to this blog's FIO theme, I'm dispensing with any (ok, almost any) commentary and sticking to two categories: sucked or rocked. All caps means it REALLY rocked or sucked.

First Sunday--sadly, sucked
Cloverfield--rocked
Untraceable--rocked
The Eye--sucked
Step Up 2 the Streets--rocked
The Bank Job--rocked
Horton Hears a Who--sucked (can't compete with original)
Meet the Browns--don't really remember but I'm going with rocked
21--ROCKED
Flawless--can't really remember but I seem to remember it was good, so rocked
The Ruins--sucked so bad it rocked
88 Minutes--rocked
Forgetting Sarah Marshall--ROCKED
Deception--ROCKED
Baby Mama--ROCKED
Iron Man--rocked (Patrick would put that in all caps; it was his best movie of 2008)
The Strangers--ROCKED
Sex and the City--rocked
Zohan--rocked
Kung Fu Panda--rocked
The Happening--didn't totally suck but didn't really rock either
The Incredible Hulk--rocked
Wanted--rocked
Hancock--rocked, even though it got horrible reviews
The Dark Knight--ROCKED. Heath Ledger BETTER get the Oscar for it.
Step Brothers--ROCKED. Mimi's favorite movie ever--except for Baby Mama.
American Teen--SUCKED. This was the WORST movie of 2008. How do you make a documentary about teen angst boring? Well, this person did.
The Pineapple Express--ROCKED HARD. Started a heated dispute between Patrick and I; I SWEAR in the preview one guy says "It smells like pot's vagina." Patrick maintains he's saying "God's vagina." I'm sticking with pot's vagina, even though in reality he does say God's vagina, because pot's vagina is funnier.
Tropic Thunder--ROCKED
Death Race--ROCKED
Traitor--ROCKED
Burn After Reading--rocked
The Family That Preys--rocked
Lakeview Terrace--rocked (although verging on sucked)
Body of Lies--rocked
Righteous Kill--ROCKED
Semi Pro--SUCKED. Not funny at all; total disappointment.
Street Kings--ROCKED
Vantage Point--rocked
Transporter 3--basically sucked
Twilight--sorry, but SUCKED
Quantum of Solace--ROCKED. Too violent my ASS--it was awesome.
Four Christmases--ROCKED
What Happens in Vegas--ROCKED
The Day the Earth Stood Still--sucked
Benjamin Button--rocked (notice that isn't all caps; it wasn't that great and was VERY LONG)

Best movie of 2008? I'm going with Righteous Kill. How can you top De Niro and Pacino together?

It's Omos Christmas

I don't have time to post right now but just wanted to say I'll be back within the next few days with several exciting posts:

1) Top Movie of 2008. Patrick suggested this and I love the idea--we're going to go through every single movie that was out in 2008 to remember what we saw then pick the winner.

2) New Years Resolutions.Self explanatory.

3) Guest post from Wednesday.I am going to try to bribe Wednesday to write a post. Hopefully it will be as good as Matthew's post. (I was going to link to it but can't find it now).

Ok, well Wednesday is telling me I "do too much blog" so I have to sign off now.

Twitter in Real Life and My Fimlmaking Debut

Prepare for awesomeness:

Rash

Patrick (otherwise known as the best husband in the universe) is slaving away with our friend, Keith, creating a custom-built closet for us. Keith is like me--gets on a jag with something and can keep going for hours. Well, except that he has actual talent--woodworking (besides being an MD)--and my main talent is obsessively sitting in front of a computer. Anyway, my point is that they're still working away and it would be too rude for me to just go to sleep while they're slaving away to build me this fancy closet.

Meanwhile, I'm having some kind of allergic reaction and my body feels like it's on fire itching and burning like crazy. Keith looked at me and told me my skin is "mottled"--I guess it's like a rash but not bumps--and told me to take Benadryl. So I had to take it, yet I can't fall asleep because they're still working.

So what's a girl to do to entertain herself and stay awake? Blog, I guess, since even I'm getting tired of reading my own tweets. That's one thing about Twitter--it's kind of depressing, if you think about it--it's the equivalent of just spouting off random 140-character comments to yourself, most of the time to no response or anything.

Here's the thing: if you're doing it in writing using Twitter you're cool; if you did the same thing out loud to yourself you'd be schizophrenic. Someone needs to make a spoof video of that the same way they made that great one about Facebook in real life. Someone just walking around, muttering 140 character tweets to themself. I thought I was bad but there are some people out there who are pretty pathetic with the amount of tweeting they do. I won't name names but there is one social media huge wig who, in addition to being a very prolific blogger, is on Twitter CONSTANTLY. It's to the point that it's uncomfortable to read it because he's just rambling on and on and on and on.

Kind of like me now. Sorry--that's the benadryl typing.

Happy Holidays!

Click "play" and wait till the ad ends (a few seconds) then enjoy the awesomeness of the online holiday photo card, from us to you!

Make a Smilebox greeting

Facebook Offline?

This video is hilarious and, frankly, kind of makes you feel like a moron if you're on Facebook.

Entertainment Recap

I realized it's been a while since I've posted about books, movies and/or TV shows.

Here are some recent favs:

1) The Zygote Chronicles by Suzanne Finnamore. A while back, I posted about another one of her books, Split, and, while I thought it was ok, I was sort of underwhelmed by it. The Zygote Chronicles, though--that's another story. This book is incredible. I don't know if it's just because reading has become such a novelty to me lately or what, but I was just transfixed by this book. You need to read it and tell me if I'm just crazy or if it really was as awesome as I think it was. It also totally changes my perspective as far as Split goes--I now understand why she was so swoony and obsessed with her husband.

2) Mad Men. Maybe 6 months ago, after hearing my mom, sister and another friend rave about some mysterious show, Mad Men, I decided to see what all the hype was about. I came in about mid-season 2 and was hooked. Now I'm watching season 1 and it's so good it's crazy. Basically the entire show consists of a bunch of guys lounging around a Manhattan office, chain-smoking, constantly chugging drinks, and telling the "girls" how they should be dressing to best accentuate their "strengths." (read: tits and/or ass.) All I can say is this: if you haven't seen it, you need to either buy the whole thing and load it on your iPod, or at least rent the DVDs or something--whatever you have to do, just watch it.

3) Movies:

• Transporter 3--I gave it a 3: one point for the fact that Jason Statham is hot as shit, one point because the girl he's with is adorable with red hair, freckles and the bluest eyes you've ever seen, and one point because the driving is awesome. If you know me, you know that if I give a movie a 3, it's horrible. Patrick also gave it a 3, but that's a pretty good rating for him.


• Twilight--since we saw it on he heels of seeing Transporter 3 it was pretty good. I give it maybe a 5. Again, not a great rating for me, but not horrible. I forget what Patrick gave it and he's asleep on the sofa next to me now so I can't ask him; I believe if I were to ask him he'd say he gave it a 2 or maybe a 3. Just FYI--a bit of Patrick movie trivia for you--his most hated movie is Bug.


• This Christmas--I blogged about this awesome movie last year, and it was no less awesome the second time around. I said it then and I'll say it again now: black Christmas is a lot more festive than white Christmas.

America, You Should Be Ashamed

First there's Thanksgiving--the holiday where Americans are supposed to take the day to feast and reflect on all we're thankful for. Then comes "Black Friday"--the day we're all supposed to get up at 3am to start the holiday buying frenzy. You know, because we're in a recession and everyone's either lost half their net worth, their job, or their house--or two or more of the three--and we are all supposed to go spend a ton of money we don't have to fix the economy.

These patriotic citizens were SO enthusiastic in their pursuit of righting the economy by spending money at Walmart that they collectively killed an employee.

This is my favorite paragraph in the story:

A Wal-Mart worker was killed Friday after "out-of-control" shoppers desperate for bargains broke down the doors at a 5 a.m. sale. Other workers were trampled as they tried to rescue the man, and customers shouted angrily and kept shopping when store officials said they were closing because of the death, police and witnesses said.

I could say a lot more but will let you savor the story yourselves.

Excellent Thing One Million and One About Facebook

If you read this blog you know of my love for/obsession with Augusten Burroughs. If you don't read this blog: I LOVE Augusten Burroughs and am obsessed with him. The ONLY negative thing I have to say about him is that his website is an absolute usability cluster fuck--I must say that it's quite possibly the worst website I've ever seen. The only one that I can think of that may be worse is Ass Matrix--a totally crude site so I'm not sullying my blog by linking to it (if you're thinking of checking it out and are reading this at work, I'd advise you to wait until you're home because it is sort of, um, pornographic--but hilarious).

At any rate, I was checking his page out to see if he has a blog--the jury is still out on that one because I can't tell if what's on there is actually a blog--and saw that he says he'll answer questions on his Facebook page.

Naturally I went to find his page and can't believe it--he honestly does interact on a regular basis with his fans. I'm sorry but in what other way would millions of people be able to have direct access to an author and/or celebrity (he is, of course, both) on an ongoing basis? Maybe, MAYBE you could be lucky enough to have him come to your town and do a reading or something ONCE and get him to answer a question, but otherwise--forget it. Now you can go on Facebook, ask whatever you want, praise him, whatever--and he is there, in all his awesomeness, responding to people?

Score another point for social media.

I'm Baack!

Geez, long time no post. I was away on a business trip--the good part of which was that I was with my sister, Cassie. It was fun to work a meeting again--I hadn't done one in a few years. This was a convention with 12,500 attendees--probably at least 10,000 of whom were young 20-something girls who all looked like J Crew models. I definitely felt 40. Luckily, I got home Saturday night and Sunday at 5 pm was Botox.

Remember my strip mall Botox doctor, the one who wanted me to do marketing for him in exchange for free treatments? Unfortunately it turned out that what any intelligent person could have told me was true: strip mall Botox is no good. He may as well have been injecting saline that maybe sat next to Botox during shipping, because it lasted all of about a month--if that. So it was back to the regular Botox party with the guy who uses enough to render your face expressionless for a good 4-6 months.

For the uninitiated, a Botox party is when you get together a group of ladies and all get injections together--it's cheaper that way because the doctor doesn't have to open a vial to shoot up one person then have to waste the rest. The funny part to me is that half the women there don't tell their husbands they get Botox. They all had to come up with stories about why they were running out for an hour and a half at 5 pm on a Sunday night. That and then showing up at home with a bunch of little welts all over their faces. Not to mention $400 missing from the checking account. But I digress...all I know is that my wrinkles are vanishing as I type this.

Speaking of you, Cassie--did you know I tagged you to do 5 fun facts about yourself? Better get to work on that; even Penelope Trunk responded.

And speaking of Penelope Trunk--who, yes, I blog about almost as much as I blog about Stuff White People Like and Augusten Burroughs--had a good post last week that dovetails with this post and my last one.

Stand By Your Man...So He Can Step Over You When He Leaves You Destitute?

If you read this blog you know I'm big on forming opinions and recommending books before I've read them. In that vein, I'm about to have an aneuyurism about this book before I've read it so naturally need to blog about it.

I'm still reading Leslie Bennett's The Feminine Mistake and am even more obsessed with it than I was after the first time. I don't see how you can argue with her advice. Granted, it's a bitter pill to swallow--namely, that women shouldn't give up their careers to stay home to raise their kids. It's a message that I'm not entirely comfortable with; after all,I stayed home with my kids for 8 years.

However I am the first to admit that, while am grateful I had that choice for the sake of my kids, I am also the first to admit that Bennetts is right; while it was good for my kids to have had a mom at home with them, ultimately, it's more important to have a mom who is able too keep them in a home--and fed and clothed--in the first place. And you can't do that in the long run if you don't have a job, a pension (or 401k) and enough years in the workforce to accumulate enough Social Security credits to be eligible to receive benefits in your own right when you retire. (After all, can you really bank on the fact that a woman "may be" eligible for Social Security benefits as a result of her husband's work?)

Maybe it's because I was dependent on a man and experienced where that got me that I'm so passionate about this subject. It is incredibly easy to convince yourself that you will never have a financial care in the world as long as your man has a job. After all, millions of women do it, right? But what about the fact that millions of women also get divorced or become widowed?

While most people would never dream of going without car or health or home insurance, women don't think twice about the fact that opting out of the workforce for any appreciable amount of time (or maybe even any time at all) is a far riskier choice than going without insurance. The thing about going without insurance is that it doesn't matter until it matters, at which point it's too late to go back and get that insurance after all. Same with being financially dependent on a man--if you haven't worked in 5, 10 or more years and your husband leaves you or dies--or you leave him--you are, in all likelihood, screwed.

Sure, there's child support. All $384 a month of it in my case. I defy you to provide food and shelter for your kids on that. You get the house, right? Nope--not unless he either gives it to you outright or gives you use and possession for a few years, during which time you probably still have to pay the mortgage. Well, if you have to sell the house you get half the profits, right? Sure--if you actually make a profit--which, in this economic climate isn't anywhere near a given. But he has family money--you get half of that, right? Nope--anything he came into the marriage with is his and his alone and doesn't figure into the 50/50 equation.

Alimony--forget it, as far as being a long-term solution. These days it's restorative alimony only; the law no longer considers women to be incapable of supporting themselves and therefore needing or being eligible to have their ex-husbands support them even after the marriage. And so on...you get my gist. Fine, then--I'll just get a good lawyer and make him pay. Got $50,000 of your own to spend on litigation if you haven't worked in years?

Still think having a man is the only financial plan you'll ever need?

Enter Beside Every Successful Man: A Woman's Guide to Having It All, "...a guide for helping one's man achieve success (and, thus, get one's own in the process)."

I have to stop here and go purchase this book to see if it is actually as ignorant as that little synopsis makes it sound.

Tis the Season

I'm trying to muster up some creativity and/or motivation to write anything at all but am just coming up dry. Winter sucks. I just read some article in the Washington Post about a new treatment for depression using a big magnet; alas, it costs $6,000 to $8,000 and I'm sure insurance doesn't cover it.

Well, since everyone knows that laughter is the best medicine (well, other than Xanax) but I'm too blah to go search for something new and funny, here's one from the Motherwhatnowredux archives:

What's the WPE Quotient on This One?

Those of you who already read this blog know what WPE means (not by virtue of your own parenting, of course); if you're new, WPE = Worst Parent Ever. As opposed to Best Parent Ever. Naturally I am a BPE. Wink.

I've been meaning to blog about this for a while but working, freelancing, writing my other blog, playing computer games--oh, and of course, parenting--take up a lot of time and sadly, Motherwhatnowredux often doesn't get the attention it deserves. It used to be that nobody read Mizz Information so I didn't pay too much attention to it. Now, though, that I'm an official social media nerd, actual social media people read that blog--and even write about it. Or mention me by name (I'm the Maggie you're supposed to tweet congrats to--even though I did nothing but let viral networking do its thing--I'll take the kudos anyway).

Anyway, though, back to my original point: WPE. You've all probably heard of "safe haven" laws that allow true WPE--the ones that put their newborn babies into dumpsters or try to flush them down the toilet--to do the leave-the-baby-in-a-basket-on-the-hospital-steps-and-run without penalty thing. Safe haven laws allow true WPE to become the ultimate BPE--the kind who put the health and safety of their kids above all else.

At least, that's the case if we're talking about newborns. Nebraska, however, says why limit it to newborns? Raising a kid--and, mind you, in Nebraska "kid" means anyone up to the age of 19--is a hard job and sometimes you have to just throw in the towel. That hormonal 12 year-old girl getting on your nerves? Drive her to Nebraska and drop her off at any hospital--no harm, no foul.

My favorite part of this whole story is this quote, by Nebraska Sen. Arnie Stuthman:

“The main interest I have is that it gives the mother or a parent another option of what to do with a child before they do something drastic.”

Drastic like, say, driving the kid to Nebraska and abandoning them forever?

Fock the Vote

I didn't vote.

There, I said it..and believe me, I debated about saying it--or about blogging about it at least. How pathetic is it that in this great free country of ours I seriously had to think twice about making the fact I didn't vote a matter of the public record. We all know the possible ramifications of posting drunken photos of yourself on Facebook or other personal-yet-public acts that could potentially tarnish future job prospects...maybe admitting you're a non-voter is just as bad? Or worse?

I'll tell you this much: people sure have strong feelings about it--just check out the comments on Penelope Trunk's "Did you vote today?" post. Why is it with the issue of voting people feel so free to get in your face and tell you how it's basically a crime not to vote--either a crime or something only a moron wouldn't do? It would never occur to me to care whether or not someone voted--why would anyone care if I do or not?

I didn't specifically mean not to vote--had there not been a line at the polling place this morning I would have cast my vote for Obama (had I voted I would have voted for Obama...so if he doesn't win I guess I'm personally responsible) and gone on with my day. Maybe even gone to get my free donut at Krispy Kreme, some free coffee at Starbucks and then some free ice cream at Ben & Jerry's. But there was a line, so I figured I'd just go back later.

Then I was driving home and it was pouring and I really wasn't feeling the idea of so much as parking my car and walking into the school--let alone waiting in any sort of line. It was then that I realized that if such petty stuff was making me dread going to vote, voting is not actually that important to me. Looking for validation, I logged onto Facebook and searched for "didn't vote" thinking surely there would be some group of thousands of non-voters to justify my decision.

Yes, there is a group: League of Non-Voters...with 85 members. Surely there are more than 85 non-voters to offset the 4,265 members of "Rock the Vote."

All I know is that, as ambivilent as I was about voting, when I read the description on the League of Non-Voters page, I realized it isn't about the lines or the rain--I am actually making a conscious decision not to vote. That description sums up exactly how I feel:

"This group is for everyone who is tired of being sold out by politicians, tired of the "lesser of two evils," the unconscionable lies, the fancy suits and expensive dinners, the photo ops, the cardboard patriotism, the war that neither party will end, and the closed political universe that banishes any real possibility of change...This group is the party against politics and for a truly democratic future."

THAT is a sentiment I would have stood in line to endorse.

I'm writing this post with my phone so if it works I'm going to be super psyched--as will you, readers--because I'll be able to blog even without a computer.

The kids and I are in Chicago visiting my siter and her family. Unfortunately my poor little niece is sick, but at least we got to spend some time together today and hopefully she'll be feeling better tomorrow. Meanwhile the kids and I are at a Holiday Inn and the kids are in hog heaven because I let them watch Stepbrothers. My status as a WPE has now been etched in stone, as a hotel employee came in to set up a cot while we were watching it and it happened to be the part where someone says "fuck" a bunch of times. Great.

Anyway, we're having a fun time-except for my niece being sick. I'm telling you--WPE or not, I must have done at least something right because travelling with the kids--even without Patrick--is a breeze (knock wood). Not one word about "when will we be there?" on plane. In fact, pretty much not one word about anything.

Well, time to hit the sack and get a jump-start on my extra hour of sleep night.

The Best Part of Blogging--Free Books

I recently read Crazy Love by Leslie Morgan Steiner. Yeah, that's right--if you clicked on that link you saw that the book won't be available until March 31, 2009. How have I already read it then? That would be because I've discovered that getting bloggers to read and blog about your book is apparently a new trend among publishers, because this is the second book I've scored as a result of saying "I'm a blogger--can I have a free copy?" Who ever said that blogging is a stupid waste of time?

Anyway, I have to say I had mixed feelings about the book. It's about Leslie Morgan Steiner's horrible first marriage to an abusive guy. Taken as a whole, the book does provide great insight about why women stay in abusive relationships. Even though she was from a rich, waspy family, her self-esteem was sufficiently in the toilet to keep her wedded to a guy who damn near killed her.

The thing that kept me from really liking this book was the fact that she makes such a big deal about how she was from this rich, waspy family. She constantly refers to her privileged upbringing and how, in spite of it, she was doing drugs and screwing around starting when she was like 13, then had a huge eating disorder, then was married to this crazy wife-beater. Maybe this is small-minded of me to say, but it's kind of hard to feel sorry for someone who, in the course of telling the story of her life as a battered wife, refers incessantly to Harvard, summer house, money, private school, money, Harvard, waspy parents, summer house, Harvard, private school...oh, and did I mention Harvard? Trust me--she mentioned Harvard.

Yes, we get it--even though your life looked perfect it wasn't. The thing is--we still kind of hate you for your charmed life, so our level of sympathy for you isn't sky-high. Or maybe that's just me being a bitter bitch and anyone else reading the book would feel more sympathy towards her. Like I said, though--overall it's an inspiring story about beaten down wife getting a business degree and becoming a huge success and finally being able to free herself from the abusive relationship. The thing is, something about the dynamic of the "I grew up rich and privileged, then went to Harvard, then went to business school, then made a ton of money in high-power jobs, and now am famous and writing a book" is less compelling than say, a person who grew up poor or stupid THEN went on to become rich and famous. You need the first part of the equation to get the feel-good thing going; without it it just comes off as gloating and "yay for me!"

Take a movie like Pursuit of Happyness. The reason it's a total tear-jerker and near-perfect movie is that it has that whole "success in the face of extreme adversity" theme going on. It wouldn't be nearly as good a movie if he'd been raised rich and privileged, then done a brief stint on the streets, then gone to business school and become rich and famous. Oh, and had his dad pay for business school.

Anyway, my point is the book was good and I would definitely recommend it, but it had a little too much of a "don't hate me because I'm beautiful" vibe for my taste.

Blog Action Day Results=I Win For Most Shameful

If I thought my post on Blog Action Day was FIO when I wrote it, now I feel even worse. Or, to be honest, I can't really say "worse" because I'm personally still laughing about it, but I know I should be feeling ashamed that I'm probably the only one out of 12,800 bloggers who didn't do a tear-jerker or violin-playing worthy post.

Oh, well--at least there were 14,052 other serious posts so mine won't upset the karma scale too much.

Crazy Successful or Just Crazy, Redux

A while ago I blogged about the connection between the entreprenurial spirit and just plain old manic depressive (I'm still searching for the post to link to; feel free to browse my archived posts and find it yourself). I was reminded of it yesterday when I read another totally random Penelope Trunk blog post.

Penelope Trunk is the poster girl for the "is she crazy successful or just crazy?" theory. I love her but the girl is just all over the place. If she were reading the stuff she writes live I guarantee you the audience would be sitting there going "huh?"

Ostensibly, all her posts relate to career advice. Sometimes she actually writes career advice. However, more often than not, her posts are about pubic hair, autism, eating disorders, volleyball--you name it, I'm pretty sure she's woven it into a career advice post at some point. (And yes, I did mean to link to that search page for "volleyball" to illustrate how many different ways she's woven the fact that she used to be a professional volleyball player into her posts.)

I'd be willing to bet cash money that Penelope Trunk is bipolar--yet not only has it not hurt her career, it's actually the reason she is as successful as she is. A "normal" person would never take the risks she takes--and, therefore, would never be able to get rich telling the world about her naked pubes and college vomiting habits.

My point? She rocks.

Blog Action Day, FIO-Style

Today is Blog Action Day, "an annual nonprofit event that aims to unite the world’s bloggers, podcasters and videocasters, to post about the same issue on the same day." The point? "...to raise awareness and trigger a global discussion."

Anyway, the point is to blog about poverty from whatever perspective you want. Naturally, what you write should be compelling, moving and inspiring--after all, we're talking about poverty, which is, of course, no laughing matter.

I know I'm going to hell but, as I've been growing increasingly anxious over the past few days about what I'm going to say about poverty, the only thing that continues to come to my mind is: Poverty is bad. Which then of course brings to mind this clip from South Park; watch it and, whenever he says the phrase "drugs are bad" just mentally substitute "poverty is bad."




If this is not the most FIO post about poverty EVER, I don't know what is. But hey--the rules say that the best thing a blogger can do to spread the word on Blog Action Day is to "use the style, personality and topic" your audience is used to to talk about poverty. Seriously.

The Feminine Mistake, Redux--Again

I blogged about Leslie Bennett's The Feminine Mistake a few weeks ago, promising to re-read it and blog about it. I'm still trying to finish Madame Bovary (reading it again because I just read Tom Perrotta's Little Children and it's part of the plot of that book and I decided I needed a refresher) and a few other books but I promise I will get to The Feminine Mistake soon. In the meantime, check out the thoughtful comments to that post. I was going to respond in the comment section but figured I may as well just post it here so people will see it.

The book is very black and white, which is why it inspired such strong feelings in me—as much as I wanted to think she was too much of a hard-liner, the stories she told—while extreme—were too close to home for me to ignore. Granted, I was never destitute—far from it—but I was dependent on a man and trapped in a horrible marriage because of it. I never want to be in that position again.

If nothing else the book points out that as much as people like to think that something could NEVER happen to them, there are no guarantees in life. Women who would swear on their lives that their marriages were perfect are blindsided by their husband announcing one day out of the blue that he wants a divorce. Husbands who seemed healthy as horses drop dead with no warning, or sustain debilitating injuries or illnesses that render them unable to work again. Yes, it’s melodramatic to think about it but it happens. I have witnessed it happening, in fact—and too many times to insist that it could never happen to me.

I know a woman whose husband had an accident and is now—and will forever be—a child, cognitively-speaking. Actually, I personally know two women to whom this exact thing happened—what are the odds of that? But it happened. And divorce horror stories? Each one I hear is worse than the last—women with autistic children whose husbands divorce them and leave them without a home or money and then sue for custody of the kids even though he’s unable to care for them; women who hadn’t had a care in the world for 15, 20 or even 25 years suddenly penniless and without health insurance or a car; women who spent the past 20+ years living in huge houses and hanging out at the country club being reduced to having to stay with friends because she can’t even afford an apartment. I’m not exaggerating one bit, either—these are real people who I know, and I’m just one person who lives in a small-ish community. If I can tick off these stories of women whose lives have been totally shattered because they assumed they would never have to worry about supporting themselves, you know there are thousands—millions—more just like them.

But there’s child support, you say—if my husband left he’d have to pay child support and alimony and I’d get to keep my house. Nope—not always the case—not even close. Or life insurance, if, god forbid, he died. Again, not necessarily true.

The part that freaks me out is that you just never know—for all anyone knows, any given woman will never have to deal with any of this stuff and not being able to support herself would never impact her at all. The thing is that if something does happen, once it’s happened there’s no going back and re-writing history. It’s the same as insurance—if you don’t have it and end up needing it, you’re basically screwed.

The bottom line is that, while the book wouldn’t have made it any easier for me to have worked and put my kids in daycare, I don’t know that I could have read it and still been a SAHM for 8 years. And trust me, I was—and still am, to a large degree—a “Don’t have them if you won’t raise them” kind of person.

Best Doll Ever: Blythe

How is it that I've lived for 40 years totally unaware of the most awesome doll on the planet?

Hand Me That Cell Phone So I Can Call CPS

Yikes--just when you thought talking on your cell phone was ok as long as you're not driving a car, speech pathologists (like my sister, Cassie) announce that talking on your cell phone while with your kids can have "serious consequences." Namely, delays in language development. While there's apparently not much research proving it, SLPs are seeing an increase in speech-delayed babies and toddlers that they feel is linked to the fact that, if a parent is on the phone, they aren't interacting verbally with their kid. Fair enough.

Ok, so you better get all your talking done before you have the baby, then--right? Wrong. A recent Danish study found that the children of mothers who frequently used a cell phone during pregnancy were 80 percent more likely to have emotional, social and behavioral problems, including hyperactivity.

Does this mean I can stop feeling guilty for never calling anyone back?

Apparently I Kick Ass

I'm totally drained from an afternoon of shopping with the kids so I'm just doing a quick check-in so you don't all think I've dropped off the face of the earth.

The big news of the day is that my other blog, Mizz Information, is now on Alltop, an "digital magazine rack" that features "all the top" sites on the web. My blog is featured in the social media section. Social media, of course, being all my nerd stuff like Twitter, blogging, Facebook, etc. At any rate, I'm psyched because maybe now that my blog feed is on Alltop I may actually attract more than 4-ish readers per day. And if not, I at least get to post this nifty logo on there:


So yeah, if you add that to the $1.98 I earned from Amazon Affiliates program (those ads for Amazon on this page; if you click them I earn like a cent or something) I'd say this could qualify as a banner day in my blogosphere.

And now Martha Stewart is having a contest on her blog--basically in exchange for including a link to her blog on yours she will (allegedly) review it and, if she decides it's worthy, post a link to it on hers. Somehow I don't think that she'd consider this blog very "Martha" but who knows--stranger things have happened. So in that spirit, notice that I have added a link to her blog to my blogroll.

Dinner calls....but stay tuned for my post about The Feminine Mistake, which I know all of you are also reading.

Is She Really Mistaken?

I don't have time to write what my British friend, Jane, would call "a proper post" so I figure I'd do the FIO thing and re-purpose an old post. It's AS IF I were writing this post now because I am, yet again, getting ready to read The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?

I read it a while ago and remain obsessed with it because, as much as people dis Leslie Bennetts' ideas--including me, in theory--I can't help but think that ultimately she's right. In case you don't want to read the book I'll give you the FIO synopsis: women should never quit working to stay home with kids, no matter how much money their husbands make, because there are no guarantees in life and if he dies or leaves you, you're SOL.

I'll save further comment for later, after I (and, of course, you) have read it again.

Poem

I want to say I understand this poem by Matthew Zapruder--and actually sort of do--but mostly I'm like "huh?"

Matthew Zapruder is a friend of mine from back in the day. He is crazy smart--not only a poet but a poet who translates Romanian poems.

Maybe if you're lucky I'll try to unearth one of my poems from way back when I wrote stuff more creative than blog posts about social media or Augusten Burroughs.

You thought I was off him, right, since I haven't written about him lately? Think again--I am still his #1 fan and am obsessed with him. However I do have to say that the redesign of his website is so bad it almost makes my eyes bleed. I could write a dissertation about how bad and why it sucks--but because it's Augusten I'll reserve comment.

Score one for this complaining soccer mom

Remember my infamous soccer rage rant from last fall? The one that spurred me to write this comment on the local paper's website, which ended up being published in the print version? Which led to this "Open Forum" that mainly consisted of people ripping my "sweeping indict of the nature of games at OBGC" (the local boys and girls club)? Which then led to me writing this response, which they ran in the paper, which led to this email to me from the Executive Director of the club, which led to THIS tirade (yes, she wrote it in RED) of an email? Then finally this response from OBGC to me, again in the paper?

Then, just when we were all thoroughly bored with the subject, The Washington Post published a blog post I had written way back before the whole saga even started. By that point I pretty much never wanted to talk or hear about the issue again--after all, in reality I couldn't care less about my kids playing soccer.

Anyway, a friend recently emailed me telling me that apparently the whole saga had been productive because, lo and behold, OBGC has announced a new, stricter Code of Conduct policy.

Guess the Executive Director's red, angry rip-fest at me wasn't, in the end, warranted after all. Guess I wasn't the only one who thought their policy wasn't strict enough; after all, why would they be making such a big deal about their newly strict policy?

A love song to Twitter?

I never thought of this post as a "love song to Twitter" but the clever folks at Ragan.com added that headline and featured one of my blog posts on their homepage today.

I May Not Be White But I Am a White Trash Mom

Remember my abysmal score on the Stuff White People Like quiz which revealed that I am only about 10% white? Well, curiously (or not?) I think I may qualify as a white trash mom, based on just this one question on the White Trash Mom quiz--"Fakin' It for the Bake Sale."

In fact, I go one better than even bothering to try making it look like I actually baked something; when asked to contribute to a class party or bake sale I have no shame about plunking down an unopened box of Entenmann's cookies. Think the grandma in "Sixteen Candles" with the box of donuts, attempting to open it with a knife (or was it a long, fake fingernail?) while deftly clamping a cigarette between her lips.

I don't smoke, though--does that make me less of a white trash mom?

Wii

Well, we finally found the Wii last week and so far it's been worth spending a horrifying amount on. Even Mimi has played enthusiastically--and those who know Mimi know she isn't enthusiastic about much. So far I have only injured myself slightly while playing tennis a little too enthusiastically.

That's about all that's been going on. I have been feeling crappy for over a week so hopefully now that I'm on antibiotics I'm on the mend. The only problem was this morning I took the pill when I woke up, fully intending to go eat something since the bottle said "take with food." An hour or so later we finally stopped at McDonald's to get something to eat and suddenly I felt sick and ended up on the bathroom floor with my cheek resting on the toilet seat. As sick as I felt, I think Patrick felt worse when I told him about my toilet-hugging--he is not a fan of the germs. I'm going to have to disinfect for a month before he'll touch me again.

Well, I'm distracted because Patrick and Matthew are playing Medal of Honor--I need to go kick Matthew off and grab a gun.

Sorry I'm not so interesting tonight--between feeling crappy and being distracted by the Wii I'm not in my best blogging form. If you want to read a great post, read this one by Penelope Trunk about Palin. 172 comments and counting--most of them ripping poor Penelope a new one. Then, read this one where she basically does an about-face and changes her tune entirely.

All I have to say is Palin needs to fix that hair--a grown woman shouldn't have a hairstyle that requires a ponytail holder.

Wii--WTF?

After, what, a year? two years? of thinking about it we decided to give in and buy a Wii. Matthew wanted it, then I saw they have a shooting game and I wanted it, then Patrick played it at a conference and he became obsessed with it so we finally caved and decided to just buy it.

Or so we thought it was that easy.

Never would I have imagined having to go to such great lengths to--unsuccessfully--spend $350. Since Sunday, these are the stores we attempted to buy it from:

1) Target #1 (Sunday)--sold out.

2) Target #2--sold out.

3) Toys R' Us--this store may have actually had it in stock but at that point we didn't know what a nightmare it would be to find it elsewhere and niavely thought we'd think about it and look around to see if we could find one that came as a bundle with extra controllers and games. Ha!

4) EB Games--they had the box behind locked glass so, after deciding ok, we'll just go ahead and buy it we go up to the counter and the girl basically laughed in our faces--"We don't have any!" Um, then how about taking the box with the $249 price tag out of the locked glass cabinet and not spending 10 minutes telling us which bundle to buy.

5) Game Stop--sold out.

6) Game Stop #2--sold out.

7) Target #1 (Monday)--sold out.

8) FYE--sold out.

Today, Patrick called two more stores--neither had it. I called another game store; shocker--SOLD OUT.

That makes ELEVEN stores that were sold out of a $250 (or $350 if you want the bundle with the extra controllers and the shooting game) toy. How does every single person in the world apparently have $350 to throw away on a game?

Turn That Monthly Frown Upside-down

There is a god: you can now turn your period blood into boobs.

I swear I am not making this up.

Saving the Environment by Working 10-Hour Days?

Whoops! If you were stumped by a total non-sequitur of a post earlier today, I had accidentally posted a long comment I made on an article in The Washington Post about the idea of a four 10-hour day work week. Guess I must have been using Blogger as a text editor instead of Word. Oh well--that's the beauty of having almost no readers--nobody catches mistakes like that.

Oh well, rather than have me summarize the entire article and then add my commentary you can just go read the article and see my comment (it's the last one at the top, Maggie7).

In short, no, having people work four 10-hour days--thereby ostensibly keeping them house-bound and not driving around killing the ozone layer one day a week--is not going to save the planet. Anyone knows that when you're home all day the first thing you do is drive to Target, then to the gym, then to Starbucks, then on several other errands at opposite ends of town.

Two of My Favorite Things, United

Continuing with your favorite theme of mine: "EVER"--current best book EVER: Stuff White People Like.

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this book but I just am--I think it's hilarious. Maybe it's because I have discovered, in the course of reading the book and taking the quiz at the end that I am not, in fact, really white. I don't even score high enough to be on the scale, which starts at 15%. And--if you can believe it, despite his lily-white skin, Patrick isn't any whiter than I am. In fact, I believe he scored even lower than I did.

At any rate, the book is hilarious for more reasons than I can list, and I highly recommend you buy it. You might wonder why buy a book of a blog that I can already read online...I thought the same thing until I bought it. First of all, it has stuff that's not on the blog and, second of all, it is somehow 20 times funnier when you're reading it off a physical page. Too bad for Amazon, because I was recently toying with the idea of buying a Kindle, thinking it would be better than dealing with paper books, but Stuff White People Like made me realize that actual books might be better than books on a screen.

And no, btw, I am in no way affiliated with Christian Lander--the author of the book--in case you're thinking my glowing reviews are in any way fueled by me standing to profit from sales of the book. I wish. I'm even too lazy to figure out how to do the affiliate link correctly so if you were to buy the book by clicking on the link in this blog I would have made a cent or two.

Anyway, you'll have to read the book yourself but I will reveal one helpful tip from it: If you see a person riding a bike to work--or doing anything else that is similarly eco-friendly--go up and say "Hey--thanks. Sincerely, The Earth."

That ranks right up there with "Ding-Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile!" in terms of funny. And that's saying a lot, since that is officially the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

And best of all? I discovered a common thread between Twitter and Stuff White People Like.

And you thought I wasn't intellectual.

The Freakiest Show EVER

Ok, I realize two "...EVER" posts in one week is a little much, but I'm sorry, this is just too good not to share and since I'm all by my lonesome this weekend, you, readers, are the only ones I have to share it with.

The show Intervention is always a crowd-pleaser; however the episode about Allison just takes the cake. I realize it's not so nice to make light of someone's addiction story, but I'm sorry, I defy you to watch this show--or even the trailer--and not wonder if it's actually a joke. Seriously, I will bet money that Saturday Night Live does a parody of this girl.

Apparently I'm not the only one who found the show hilarious/horrifying--if you go to YouTube and do a search for "Allison Intervention" you'll see that a slew of people had the same reaction I did. Do yourself a favor and watch the whole thing--then tell me it isn't the craziest thing you've ever seen. Girl could do a PSA for why huffing is a BAD idea.

Best 20-Something Career Advice Post EVER

Forget what I said about all Gen-Y posts about career advice being identical and useless—this one is like no other job advice blog post I’ve ever read before. Somehow this guy makes a case for the interrelationship between casual sex, video games and entrepreneurship. Here is my Cliff Notes version of his salient points:

• Fun: "My third year at UCLA was one big blur where I would wake up half naked every other night not knowing where I had left my jeans, shoes, or dick.”


• Productivity: "What does it mean to be truly productive with your life? Hanging out with friends and drinking alcohol all night is fun for the moment, but I always wake up in the morning vowing to never drink again. Same with video games. You spend all of your time leveling-up your character and getting new features, only to have your hard work made completely insignificant once the new version of the game comes out.”


• How do you want to live your life? "The best way to reach the point of self-actualization is to play your life as if it were an RPG (Role Playing Game)"




• Never stop learning: "In a video game, you gain experience by slaying monsters and completing quests. Therefore in real life, you gain experience by reading, keeping up with the news, and gaining internships and a high GPA."


• Expand your network: "In a video game, the more people you talk to, the higher the chance you have of someone telling you a hint to complete a mission, giving you an item, or providing you with secret information."


• Find the perfect relationship: "A meaningful and loving relationship will make you much happier than any one-night stand. As an entrepreneur with my personality type, it is much more productive to be in a serious relationship than to be single, and here’s why: If I was single, I would be out there chasing girls left and right. I would not be able to focus on my company because all I would be thinking about is who my next piece would be."

Judging by these rules I should be a millionaire by now. Did I miss a step? Maybe because I never lost awareness of where I left my jeans, shoes or dick in college I missed out on that valuable career step? Maybe my video game play--while compulsive enough to render my hand numb for 3 months--just wasn't sufficient to build the skills necessary to become a successful entrepreneur? Maybe I'm having too much sex now--albeit in my perfect relationship--and it's preventing me from "striving for more" in terms of my career.

But here I am, 40 and still with the word “assistant” in my title; meanwhile, there he is, a year out of college and a (self professed) entrepreneur and management consultant.

My question is, when he and other the Gen-Yers' career advice bloggers say that they’re entrepreneurs and consultants, do they mean they’re actually supporting themselves in those capacities? Or are they "consultants" and "entrepreneurs" in the sense that I am a "consultant"; e.g. yes, I can write—here’s my email address if you’re ever interested in hiring me for a project…and now it's back to my cubicle where I sit for 8 hours a day so I can pay the bills and support my kids.

In theory I could brand myself as a thought leader, writer, life coach, marriage counselor, or social media expert…as in, I COULD call myself these things and, while it wouldn’t actually be lying because I could theoretically serve in any of these capacities, the reality is that I don’t currently earn a dime doing any of those things.

But that's a whole other post on personal branding, a mainstay of Gen-Y blog content.

**P.S.** Sorry but I just went to his blog and checked out his response to one reader's question "How does a student become an entrepreneur?" Hey--does step 2 sound familiar? "Move back home to save on cash."

Gee, another Gen-Y blogger endorsing that mainstay of 20-something career advice: move back in with mom and dad!

Sorry but when I think of a guy who lives with mom and dad, the image that comes to mind isn't so much entrepreneur; it's more Will Ferrel's character in Wedding Crashers, Chazz Reinhold, screaming "MA! Meatloaf! Fuck!"

My Name on Rice



Mimi bought me this necklace at Kings Dominion last week. She knows, obviously, about my fixation on tiny things and had heard me tell the "Name on Rice" tale many times.

I forget when or where but once I saw a kiosk at a mall or an amusement park (Cassie, do you remember this?) called "Name On Rice." Not only is that the best name in the world for a kiosk, but how excellent and random a concept is painting something on a grain of rice then putting it in a tiny glass vial on a necklace? Don't even get me started on the collection of tiny things with stuff painted on them at Ripley's Believe it or Not museum in Williamsburg, VA. Suffice it to say that I now own a camera capable of taking super close up photos of tiny things and will be bringing it with me next time I visit that museum.

Anyway--I once had this "name on rice" necklace but it got lost, leaving me with nothing but the fond memory and the lingering obsession with it. So last week, Mimi--who usually doesn't so much as make me a card for my birthday--returned from a camp trip to Kings Dominion excitedly clutching an envelope.

"I got you a present," she said, trying to be nonchalant but obviously excited. And there it was, a new name on rice necklace! It even has a flower painted on the other side of the grain of rice. The kiosk was called "Your Name on Grain" this time--slightly less awesome than "Name on Rice"--but still, it's my name on rice.

Anyway, I'm sure this isn't exciting for anyone but me...but I am plenty excited about it.

Then, speaking of my name on things, I feel like such a social media darling--my name was mentioned in not one but two blogs today. How knew that asking a question about Facebook would be cause for such interest and enthusiasm?

3 Out of 4 Moms are Worst Parents Ever?

So far, I'm batting 3 for 3 on the Worst Parent Ever (WPE)scale (as defined by me, of course.)

But who would have thought I'd be in such good company? According to a very BPE (best parent ever) source--the esteemed New York Times--most moms give up on breastfeeding. According to the article, here are 4 more defining criteria for WPE:

Returning to work, being a smoker or living in the Northeast decreased the likelihood of long-term breast-feeding. Notably, low-income women who participated in the subsidized Women, Infants and Children program, which provides food, milk and formula to mothers and young children, were also more likely to stop breast-feeding sooner.

Interesting--I can see how returning to work or smoking could be considered WPE characteristics--and of course it's a given that low-income women on WIC are WPE--but I'm surprised to see that "living in the Northeast" apparently makes you more likely to be a formula-feeding WPE. Strange, given that a decent number of Ivy Leage schools--BPE (oh, actually, White people--well,same thing) pillars--are located in the Northeast.

Doctor's Out

So much for MedSpa doctor--I was all geared up to go get my Botox fix at 10 am today; at 9 am the girl called to say he couldn't do it today. Bummer. Now I have to deal with tense forehead until Thursday. Maybe I'll have an epiphany between now and then and will be able to just say no to Botox. Or maybe someone will invent topical Valium before Thursday.

Strip Mall Botox

I have absolutely nothing to say but feel compelled to try to keep up some kind of momentum with this poor neglected blog. It's Friday night, Patrick has a baseball game and I'm home with the kids. We went to Burger King for dinner. Did you know that BK onion rings have less fat and calories than almost anything on the menu? Just a little nutritional tip from me to you, courtesy of the tray liner that now includes complete nutritional content information for every single item on the menu. Including ketchup packets (10 calories, 0 fat).

The highlight of my day was that the former "day spa" in Olney--e.g. glorified nail salon--is now a MedSpa. "Med" meaning that a doctor has decided to make some cash on the side so he opened an office in there. All I know is this: I went in to ask how much Botox is there and it's half what I usually pay.

I will pause here to mention that I make no bones about the fact that yes, I get Botox in my forehead. Why? Because a few years ago I had a horrible eye twitch that lasted for--no lie--8 months. It would start the minute I opened my eyes in the morning and would last all day, every day, from January until August until I finally got insurance to pay for the one available treatment for "blepharospasm": Botox. I was so psyched, thinking that the doctor would put one drop in my eyelid then generously offer to use the rest on my forehead for free. Not that I even had a ton of wrinkles--ok, I actually had no wrinkles--but did have a few lines and was just curious to see what I would look like without them.

I got so fixated on the idea that when, sadly, it turned out that the doctor charged me (luckily, my insurance paid it) $400 for ONE tiny shot in my eyelid and would have charged me $600 more if I wanted it in my forehead too, I found another doctor who charged half that and ponied up the money.

(By the way, the Botox didn't really fix the eye twitch, but it spontaneously stopped the day I moved out of my ex-husband's house. Literally--gone--just like that.)

Anyway, as I said, I shelled out the money for the Botox and loved it. Even when my first go-round rendered me totally cockeyed looking, with one eyebrow raised up WAY higher than the other, I was totally mesmerized by my smooth as an eggshell forehead and the resulting expression of perpetual tranquility. I loved it. Then, after about 4 months it started wearing off. It's like Cinderella at midnight--you watch as your blissfully lineless, relaxed forehead starts waking up and them--poof--you're back to you regular middle-aged lady forehead once again.

The thing about Botox is that you get addicted not only to the look of your line-less forehead but also to the way it feels. That is, you feel nothing--imagine the ultimate muscle relaxant--that's Botox. Ok, so it doesn't actually relax the muscles; it paralyzes them...but it's a very comfortable state regardless. Once it starts wearing off and you can once again move your forehead (you can move your eyebrows the whole time, btw) it feels very uncomfortable.

Imagine not using your legs at all for 4 straight months. Then you get up and try to walk. Your legs wouldn't feel too good, would they? They'd be so weak it would be an effort even to move them. Now apply that to your forehead. For months those muscles were basically dead; once they start waking up they are atrophied from disuse. Which means that just the effort of them not being totally dead is a strain--your forehead starts feeling they way your neck and shoulders do when you're really stressed out. I don't know how to explain it other than that it feels like the effort of just keeping your eyebrows in place is a strain and it leaves your forehead feeling weirdly exhausted and tense.

Long story short: you get addicted not only to the look of your flawlessly smooth skin but also to the physical feeling of totally relaxed muscles. It's like crack--once you start regaining feeling it gets more and more uncomfortable and you start jonesing for another shot to put them back to blissful sleep for another 4-6 months.

I was going to quit--honestly I was--I decided it was ridiculous to spend that much money on something as stupid as a smooth forehead. But my forehead is TIRED and I swear I'm craving that shot like a smoker craves cigarettes. And now I can get it for half what I used to pay--how can I resist?

So if you see me on Monday and it looks like a hive of bees went to town on my forehead (the shots leave big welts on my skin for a day or so after I get them) you know I caved.

You Want Career Advice? Ask a 20-Something

Anyone who reads my blogs knows that I’m a huge fan of Penelope Trunk. I used to read her blog—still do—but now I also read some of the featured blogs on her website Brazen Careerist. The site is geared towards Gen-Y--or the term I find funnier, Millennials-- and many of the bloggers are 20-somethings giving career advice either before they have careers or from the vantage point of their entry-level jobs. A lot of posts are arrogant dissertations about why Gen-Y is better than previous generations--smarter, more creative, more technically savvy, not willing to settle for the crappy lives every person over the age of 35 has--basically annoying and sort of hilarious.

Take this post, for example Twentysomething: Why My generation is More Productive Than Yours. Main takeaway from the post: "We’ve seen our washed up parents work shit jobs they hate, and we won’t go through the motions for the sake of job security." Hey now--give your poor hard-working parents a break: someone had to finance your lessons, sports, activities--you know, all that stuff that helped you get into the expensive college that they also had to pay for. And just when they thought it was over and you'd be getting jobs like college grads of yesteryear did, you decide you are going to do the responsible thing and move back home.

One of my favorite Brazen Careerist posts was written by a 20-something who's "working a temporary job as I actively pursue a career in the publishing industry." Actively pursuing as in working a temp job with no benefits while daydreaming about moving to France and getting a kick-ass job? Naturally, the crux of the plan is moving back in with her parents. You go girl, with the career advice. Send me a postcard from the major publishing house in France and let me know how that worked out for you.

Back to the "washed up" parents, though: maybe their "shit jobs" aren't the only culprit of their washed up lives. Maybe they're exhausted from having spent 20 years lavishing attention and praise on their youngins. The helicopter parenting that created these arrogant 20-somethings is bound to wear a person out. Think about it--20 years spent anxiously hovering over your kid, making sure he/she doesn't have to experience a moment's discomfort lest it damage their self-esteem--it's like being a stewardess or something. Not to mention a bank; sure, it's easy to be a 20-something who won't settle for just any mundane job when your parents are still supporting you. Rent? Health insurance? Not a worry for these clever Gen-Yers who will end up happier and more successful and just better in every way than previous generations because they're making their own rules and succeeding on their own terms.

Don't worry about reading all the blogs on Brazen Careerist; I'll sum them up for you: the keys to career success are:

1) Mastering MySpace and other social networking applications that the older generation just doesn't get and which are basically the only job skills required at the flexible dream jobs where there are no rules, no set hours and unlimited vacation.

and

2) Relying on your parents to support you and then hook you up with a sweet internship that will ultimately--no rush, now, since rent isn't an issue--lead to a job that pays as much as your parents' "shit job" but that is satisfying and morally superior.

Don't get me wrong--I am all for the results-only work environment (ROWE)...but I'm old and I've earned it.